to have a wonderful day.

when you think about your life.

you dont know where it goes or how it will end. its not really something you think about from day to day or even in your life. i just thought today that today would be an alright last day. i mean it wasnt perfect. nothing really happened, but i would say that a good 90% of the day i had if not a smile on my face, a smile on my mind. today was a good day and i wouldnt mind if it was my last. of course, dont in anyway think that i am ready to die or suicidal or anything extreme. i am just saying that it was a good day and you always have to wonder those things; dont take it for granted. i think the more you wonder the more chance you will have to have a wonderful day. maybe not the days you smile on the outside, but the days you smile on the inside. after all it is happiness that makes us keep moving.

tim.

outside of the 2-3.

this little world needs not much more to be a completely perfect world.

public speaking. its a class im taking right now. one of the many foundation and or general study courses i must complete at scad, but one of the few of those courses still remaining on my list of to dos. an established fact is that the number one fear of people is public speaking.

i rode my bike to class today (and bare with me this does connect) and i arrived early so i went and sat in the square at the end of bay street and though about what makes me fear public speaking. it is not the speaking or the watchful eyes of the audience. it is the making a fool of myself that terrifies me. a snowball of sorts. i may forget my line, my lip will tremble i turn bright red i shake so much my voice reverberates as it escapes me. then in the moment the perception of myself in the eyes of others has changed forever. i fear this most because i fear this most in anything whether in front of people or just simply in class. i panic easily and while most of the time i can hide it, it does escape and those closest to me know that. but my point to all of this is that people do not fear speaking. people fear their own greatest fears inside of them. they fear that they may be an outcast or not accepted by the vast majority of the population. the truth is, outside of the 2-3 people you hold closest no one cares. yes i still remember the girl who cried during every speech and i remember feeling for her and feeling nothing else. i forgot who she was and cant remember her name now and everything she feared is long gone from that time. who needs the rest of the world when you have the ones around you? i mean we were only born with two hands so find a couple friends and keep moving.

tim.

for the simplest thing-happiness.

sends the autos swerving, into the loneliest evening.

i sometimes wonder what could have been. so many moments in your life there is a fork in the road and the simplest decision can make all the difference.

i dreamt last night of a friend of mine who passed away about a year ago now. she had made a series of poor decisions that led her down the wrong road before ultimately coming to a good place and finding herself in something she loved. i remember the last conversation i had with her in high school. she said it wasnt fair that some people have it all and others get nothing. she wasnt the most well off individual, and i thought it unfair that she struggled so much with money just to get by day to day with her family. now i realize though that it wasnt about money at all. it never was. she just wanted the life with two parents and a sibling and a half and the little dog and happy holidays, you know the whole nine yards. she wanted for the simplest thing-happiness. i remember her looking out the ceramics window saying 'i just dont want to be lonely anymore.' then like the leaf falling from a glowing maple tree in autumn, she floating slowly, and peacefully to the ground alone. she was gone and only a few souls noticed her as she left this place. i hope she is happy their now.

i wonder if all of these little decisions matter as much as i think they do. small sections in time changing the outcome of your entire life. i wonder if it all really matters at all. are we destined to live or not live the lives we are given? is there some plan for us to fade in slowly and fade out however it is decided for us? i hope what i do today and tomorrow makes a difference not only that day but the day after that and maybe even a few lifetimes from now. until then ill keep hoping and ill keep moving.

tim.

been going so well.

your voice is smoking.

last day of august and this is the last night at home. i have been thinking a lot today about the last time i left home and honestly i always get a little sad. i liken the feelings to a form of stockholm syndrome. a sort of, 'ive been here so long ive grown attached to it and now ill miss it.' its bad and pathetic i know. when i look back now at this summer though i really did have an alright time and while to most that may not sound like an awesome compliment to my home, but for those who know me you know this is a step up from my usual wording of home. as i look around at the changes i have caused this summer i think about the nights with my brother, the meals we had as a family, the early morning rush for work, the everyday routine. it isnt one particular thing about this place, rather it is just being in it. despite all of this i am anxious to leave. my experience has been and i will always be, that the night before the travel is always the longest and i really cant wait for this one to end. this year is the beginning of many great events of my life and the continuation of those that have been going so well. i am ready to start it all up again and keep moving.

tim.

70 to 100 years.

we were good in the beginning.

riddle me this. why is it that when there are republicans leading both the house and the senate no one complains, but when democrats take it over there is outrageous protest? the fact is, the government sways back and forth every decade. we want change, we get change, we get too much change, we change again. over and over since the very first elections in the winter of 1789. every ten years it is the same. i think if people would pay attention to the issues and not the party there would be less strife. the problem is when we get so wrapped up in the idea that a party is bad because of one issue or this or that. the woman down the street said she hated obama. i asked why. she said because he was a democrat and democrats believe in abortion. chances are, obama doesnt even believe in abortion, but thats just speculation on my part. chances are most of the politicians over the last 100 years only believed in 70% of what they said or signed. why is it that honesty and true virtues mean nothing anymore? can people really not be themselves and win an election?

and heres something else... in 70 to 100 years will we look back and say that the people of this time were absurd? i mean look a few years back and you have people being put to death for fear they were communists. the only reason cocaine is illegal now is because a few senators in the south came to the conclusion that black people became enraged by it and attacked white women. people thought that was true and voted on a bill to make it so. what the fuck. step back and look at the bigger picture. when you get it you get it so just keep moving.

tim.

ramble on.

youve got to get yourself together.

well, for the few of you that read my blog from time to time i apologize that it is sometimes depressing. i also apologize that there are parts that ramble on. put simply these are my thoughts unchanged and unedited so sometimes you go from point a skip points b through g and end up on point m. its just the way it is. sorry.

i also apologize for being uncreative as of late. i have had a creativity block being home. it seems that it stifles all life and allows for no useful thought. im sure we all think of our parents homes that way though. anyways my only point to all of this is that is important to take time to yourself everyday (and i know that wasnt how this started but bare with me) to collect your thoughts in order to remain you. too many people go with the flow and while that may be in your best interest most of the time, it can result in sad frowny faced people wandering the earth because they forgot who they were. most importantly you should avoid at all costs getting stuck in a moment (with no easy way out of it) and keep moving.

tim.

childhoods flee.

when you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun.

sometimes i wish that i had something interesting to say or a piece of art to display that might inspire a few, but unfortunately i do not. i dont really ever have anything that could sway the emotions of any person anywhere, but i do like to dream sometimes.

i was walking today and listening to music. its amazing how different the scenery is with just a simple track to play in the background. jose gonzales graced my ears with the song heartbeats as i watched from the corner of my eye the six and seven year olds play football. it is a damn shame that our childhoods flee from us so quickly. we are so imaginative and happy when we are little. some say it is the innocence but i like to think that it is that human beings are naturally happy people and it is this world that has developed around us that has made us so very unhappy. i mean think about your life and tell me there is one thing that you do when interacting with the world that makes you happy. i have my little world, my family, my girlfriend, my few close friends, my dog, and the street that i live on. but i mean the greater world. the one we go out into everyday to sell our soul piece by piece for a little bit of money. whens the last time it made you happy? if we as humans arent happy with the world we created then why have we created it? maybe its just me, but i like to say fuck sadness and keep moving.

tim.