hysterical hypocrisy.

counting all different ideas drifting away.

i did not know that it could be possible to be traumatized emotionally to the point that you go blind. they call it hysterical blindness. i think i would like to feel that once just to see how it felt to not be able to see. just not for too long.

problems this summer have been similar to blindness but are more figurative. really they arent my problems, but i still have to face the effects of the condition. i call it hysterical hypocrisy. see something happened and he must have been traumatized by it. you know that feeling you get when you are in a car wreck or you trip up the stairs in front of the person you have a crush on? well im thinking something like that, but times ten. shortly after the incident you are always trying to find a reason for what happened. you say 'oh they didnt notice' or 'hey now, its not that bad' when you are really thinking 'oh fuck i made a fool of myself' or 'oh fuck i just ruined my car.' (at least when i have these moments the afterthought usually begins with 'oh fuck' but to each his/her own.) the fact is, bad shit happens. its unavoidable. you get into situations youd rather not. you develop negative relationships. people get the wrong impression of you. these all happen. you cant focus in on it and think that the bad is life.

i think he did this though and focused a little too much on the wrong features. now he is trying to find some awesome and all-bases-covering excuse to excuse himself for his behavior, but the further he digs into his hole. being deep in the hole now he sees where he went wrong and rather than trying to climb up out, he digs sideways making a tunnel which shields him from all that is logical. assuring himself that everything is alright he gives advice to those not wanting any. he becomes a hypocrite. not only that, but one that does so because of a root problem that began with a traumatic event and snowballed from there. this is why i name it hysterical hypocrisy.

long story i know, but one that i truly saw every day this summer. save yourself the trouble and dont dig a hole to fix a bump in the road, just keep moving.

tim.