forget the rainbow and the gold - enjoy the sunshine.

palm readers breath, smells of brandy and cigarettes, as she sells me sweet forgets.

sometimes you have to go with the flow and have a little faith that everything will work out for the best. a lot of people in my immediate circle are obsessed with knowing whats coming. i wont say that im not, im just saying that we all need a little break from that sometimes to see where the winds take us. today i had a great failure, perhaps one of the most profoundly significant in my life, but honestly it all went along side me. i really didnt mind it much. everything wiggles its way out in the end one way or another and ill still be here.

i think that people dont find enough meaning in their life. dont say you dont have meaning either. everybody has meaning whether they know it or not. everyone cares for something. this is the secret though, you have to care for something so powerfully, so unconditionally, so passionately that you know you will never lose it. thats the most important part of life to each and everyone of us. the past few weeks i have found that and i have to say that where it would have bothered me before when certain things happened, i really dont mind it now. no matter what i will have that one which is closest me always, without condition.

to have meaning, is to have something that through it all can not be lost. it is the one constant in the world if inconstancies. we take it and keep moving.

tim.

i know you do not understand, but i do not ask you to listen.

looking back i guess i didnt know that i was in love and you were letting go.

it seems that a theme has hit me this week that keeps repeating. its so sad to see something grow out of your control. i know i cant help it, but i feel like i should. i feel like i should be able to grab it and pull it back down and the fact that i am not or can not makes me feel like im doing a disservice to them or who they are. the truth is though that we are not angels on this earth. some pricks think they are, but we arent. live your life and do what you do but ignore the people that are beyond you. the idea they are out of reach, out of touch, out of mind - and you are out of room, out of ideas, out of help. it sucks.

and another thing, if you think i care you are sadly mistaken. this is me and this is the one place that all the strings and glues and chains and ropes are gone. im not holding back for you and im not talking down to you. this is the one place i can keep moving.

tim.

i find myself finding myself of late.

now all your love is wasted? then who the hell was i?

in the morning it will be a different day. it amazes me how much of a difference that makes. nothing truly has changed yet we see the sun rise and all of our conceptions and perceptions and ideas of what is can completely change.

i find myself finding myself of late. i know to many that doesnt make sense, but i hope there are a few of you out there that maybe understand that a little bit, whether through personal experience or otherwise. i dont mean to be incredibly profound and if thats what your getting then take a step back and see what i mean. we all have a personality and a personal identity that we have and that we struggle with. i can only speak of my own experiences on this one. i have changed over and over again. sometimes for the good and sometimes for the bad. this is what gets me though, when you change for the good or you do something good it is what is expected, but if you turn around and fuck something up you are suddenly a monster. the reason i point this out is because ive been battling with this in my life the last few months. the ability to rise out of ashes is one that has to be learned and grown to perfection. there is no partial out of the ashes. its all or nothing. im confusing right now, im sorry. what i mean is that im tired of working my ass off to do something good and getting a nod of satisfaction, but getting a ruler pressure transfered to my knuckles when i make the smallest mistakes in a time of exhaustion. what happened to those good days? what happened to feeling good about what we do/did/working towards? now im sorry for ever making a goddamn mistake and im sorry for not being perfect and im sorry for being more than anyone else ever has been and you not seeing that. to be honest im getting tired though. i dont know how you keep moving.

tim. 

pick your battle(s).

just give me a call when you feel better but you never do.

everyone seems to have problems. when you are little you think the world is a complicated place, but that you can always work through it and do anything you put your mind to. as you grow up you start to realize that just is not true. there comes a point in the development of mind that things either turn bad or turn worse, but on this earth there is never good (thats what the afterlife is for, im not being evil minded, i just want things to go up from here you know?). those things that we do as kids, those bad habits, those become mental instabilities and conditions. people are broken and cant be fixed by us anymore. it is beyond our personal power. i cant help but feel helpless. i see so many people torn apart by this and it is something that is not me but yet i care for it as though it were happening to me. i wish i could tell a friend shes not worth it, but thats not really what the problem is now. its within him to think that he needs her or something that she gives him even if its something that in no way is given by her, but instead a force manifested from within him because of her presence. people have problems that i cant fix. its hard to say that. to look at yourself and say that there is nothing left to do. its not your job. the only thing that we can do is keep moving.

tim.

i think i know what you mean but watch what you say.

its not in your eyes. your eyeballs dont change. its the muscles around your eyes.

i didnt know way back when that i had it all. a lot of times people shoot you with the cliche phrase of 'you dont know what youve got till its gone.' its true in a way. not that the shallow bastards knew at all what you were talking about when you got hit by it. you have got to roll with it sometimes. if you never hit a rough patch how will you know what the smooth patch is, right? one day someone will look you in the eye and hit you like a brick, good or bad. to that you take it. you grow with it and you learn what you can, and hey, now you know what the difference between being hit with a brick and not getting hit is. which speaking of bricks, there are quite a few people i know that need to feel what the brick is and not, because they just dont quite have perspective. 

back to the beginning now. you have it all a lot in life, its just you dont know it until after the fact, so then can you really have it all if you dont know you have it? yeah thats what i was thinking when i typed that too. i said shut the fuck up. but this week has been crazy with the cold medicines kicking in and out my mind through my nose and ears.

anyways im over this week, keep moving.

tim.

an eye out.

twist your head around, its all around you

do you ever get that feeling that maybe you just did something completely wrong? like when you were doing it, it was all right and the moment you finished you realized it was all the exact opposite of what you were supposed to do?

yeah theres been a few days like that in my life.

cold medicine makes you feel strange things. like you are disconnected from everything around you and while you see it all, its all not real. the only way you fall back in is by reaching out and touching it. the last few days reminded me of earlier in my life. i lived so long without touching. i just sat and watched the fuckers as they picked my life for me. done with that now. i reach through the glass and while it hurts like hell for the shards to cut my skin, its the only way to touch and feel the other side. to show you that it is real. its all real and its all around you.

life has a strange workout clause hidden somewhere in it. it states that everything will eventually work out. just give it a little time, itll get to you. i  guess thats what people cant stand though. that little bit of time that separates them from the rest of their lives. everybody wants it all now. really most of the time im like that too, but right now im just fine with it being a little off. im fine waiting behind a little ways because i know that itll all work out. its written in the fine print. and if there is anything to take from all of this, it is that you may not always receive from the sources you are expecting, but you will receive eventually, just as you will give. its life and its inevitable. take it while you can. give it while you have to. keep moving.

tim.

is something wrong?

youre damn right there is, but we cant talk about it now

lets take it back. lets rebuild it. lets start all over and then you might be able to tell them stop. stop what you are doing. this will not go the way you think it will. you will not go the way you are planning. you will fail at whatever it is you think you wont. just dont do it.

but then, where is the fun in that.

if you dont fail, you dont learn, and you wont keep moving.

tim.