forget the rainbow and the gold - enjoy the sunshine.

palm readers breath, smells of brandy and cigarettes, as she sells me sweet forgets.

sometimes you have to go with the flow and have a little faith that everything will work out for the best. a lot of people in my immediate circle are obsessed with knowing whats coming. i wont say that im not, im just saying that we all need a little break from that sometimes to see where the winds take us. today i had a great failure, perhaps one of the most profoundly significant in my life, but honestly it all went along side me. i really didnt mind it much. everything wiggles its way out in the end one way or another and ill still be here.

i think that people dont find enough meaning in their life. dont say you dont have meaning either. everybody has meaning whether they know it or not. everyone cares for something. this is the secret though, you have to care for something so powerfully, so unconditionally, so passionately that you know you will never lose it. thats the most important part of life to each and everyone of us. the past few weeks i have found that and i have to say that where it would have bothered me before when certain things happened, i really dont mind it now. no matter what i will have that one which is closest me always, without condition.

to have meaning, is to have something that through it all can not be lost. it is the one constant in the world if inconstancies. we take it and keep moving.

tim.

i know you do not understand, but i do not ask you to listen.

looking back i guess i didnt know that i was in love and you were letting go.

it seems that a theme has hit me this week that keeps repeating. its so sad to see something grow out of your control. i know i cant help it, but i feel like i should. i feel like i should be able to grab it and pull it back down and the fact that i am not or can not makes me feel like im doing a disservice to them or who they are. the truth is though that we are not angels on this earth. some pricks think they are, but we arent. live your life and do what you do but ignore the people that are beyond you. the idea they are out of reach, out of touch, out of mind - and you are out of room, out of ideas, out of help. it sucks.

and another thing, if you think i care you are sadly mistaken. this is me and this is the one place that all the strings and glues and chains and ropes are gone. im not holding back for you and im not talking down to you. this is the one place i can keep moving.

tim.

i find myself finding myself of late.

now all your love is wasted? then who the hell was i?

in the morning it will be a different day. it amazes me how much of a difference that makes. nothing truly has changed yet we see the sun rise and all of our conceptions and perceptions and ideas of what is can completely change.

i find myself finding myself of late. i know to many that doesnt make sense, but i hope there are a few of you out there that maybe understand that a little bit, whether through personal experience or otherwise. i dont mean to be incredibly profound and if thats what your getting then take a step back and see what i mean. we all have a personality and a personal identity that we have and that we struggle with. i can only speak of my own experiences on this one. i have changed over and over again. sometimes for the good and sometimes for the bad. this is what gets me though, when you change for the good or you do something good it is what is expected, but if you turn around and fuck something up you are suddenly a monster. the reason i point this out is because ive been battling with this in my life the last few months. the ability to rise out of ashes is one that has to be learned and grown to perfection. there is no partial out of the ashes. its all or nothing. im confusing right now, im sorry. what i mean is that im tired of working my ass off to do something good and getting a nod of satisfaction, but getting a ruler pressure transfered to my knuckles when i make the smallest mistakes in a time of exhaustion. what happened to those good days? what happened to feeling good about what we do/did/working towards? now im sorry for ever making a goddamn mistake and im sorry for not being perfect and im sorry for being more than anyone else ever has been and you not seeing that. to be honest im getting tired though. i dont know how you keep moving.

tim. 

pick your battle(s).

just give me a call when you feel better but you never do.

everyone seems to have problems. when you are little you think the world is a complicated place, but that you can always work through it and do anything you put your mind to. as you grow up you start to realize that just is not true. there comes a point in the development of mind that things either turn bad or turn worse, but on this earth there is never good (thats what the afterlife is for, im not being evil minded, i just want things to go up from here you know?). those things that we do as kids, those bad habits, those become mental instabilities and conditions. people are broken and cant be fixed by us anymore. it is beyond our personal power. i cant help but feel helpless. i see so many people torn apart by this and it is something that is not me but yet i care for it as though it were happening to me. i wish i could tell a friend shes not worth it, but thats not really what the problem is now. its within him to think that he needs her or something that she gives him even if its something that in no way is given by her, but instead a force manifested from within him because of her presence. people have problems that i cant fix. its hard to say that. to look at yourself and say that there is nothing left to do. its not your job. the only thing that we can do is keep moving.

tim.

i think i know what you mean but watch what you say.

its not in your eyes. your eyeballs dont change. its the muscles around your eyes.

i didnt know way back when that i had it all. a lot of times people shoot you with the cliche phrase of 'you dont know what youve got till its gone.' its true in a way. not that the shallow bastards knew at all what you were talking about when you got hit by it. you have got to roll with it sometimes. if you never hit a rough patch how will you know what the smooth patch is, right? one day someone will look you in the eye and hit you like a brick, good or bad. to that you take it. you grow with it and you learn what you can, and hey, now you know what the difference between being hit with a brick and not getting hit is. which speaking of bricks, there are quite a few people i know that need to feel what the brick is and not, because they just dont quite have perspective. 

back to the beginning now. you have it all a lot in life, its just you dont know it until after the fact, so then can you really have it all if you dont know you have it? yeah thats what i was thinking when i typed that too. i said shut the fuck up. but this week has been crazy with the cold medicines kicking in and out my mind through my nose and ears.

anyways im over this week, keep moving.

tim.

an eye out.

twist your head around, its all around you

do you ever get that feeling that maybe you just did something completely wrong? like when you were doing it, it was all right and the moment you finished you realized it was all the exact opposite of what you were supposed to do?

yeah theres been a few days like that in my life.

cold medicine makes you feel strange things. like you are disconnected from everything around you and while you see it all, its all not real. the only way you fall back in is by reaching out and touching it. the last few days reminded me of earlier in my life. i lived so long without touching. i just sat and watched the fuckers as they picked my life for me. done with that now. i reach through the glass and while it hurts like hell for the shards to cut my skin, its the only way to touch and feel the other side. to show you that it is real. its all real and its all around you.

life has a strange workout clause hidden somewhere in it. it states that everything will eventually work out. just give it a little time, itll get to you. i  guess thats what people cant stand though. that little bit of time that separates them from the rest of their lives. everybody wants it all now. really most of the time im like that too, but right now im just fine with it being a little off. im fine waiting behind a little ways because i know that itll all work out. its written in the fine print. and if there is anything to take from all of this, it is that you may not always receive from the sources you are expecting, but you will receive eventually, just as you will give. its life and its inevitable. take it while you can. give it while you have to. keep moving.

tim.

is something wrong?

youre damn right there is, but we cant talk about it now

lets take it back. lets rebuild it. lets start all over and then you might be able to tell them stop. stop what you are doing. this will not go the way you think it will. you will not go the way you are planning. you will fail at whatever it is you think you wont. just dont do it.

but then, where is the fun in that.

if you dont fail, you dont learn, and you wont keep moving.

tim.

dont get disappointed.

strange and untrue

the pond outside my father's apartment. it was summer time and you could smell the dry grass. the dirt was a red clay. the sun was just behind the trees on the hill up ahead. you could feel the cold air coming on now. all the rocks in the world wanted to be thrown. its just another day. you dont know any better though. this is what will hit you everyday for the rest of your life and you will want nothing else than to be back here.

its gone now and all you can do is keep walking, keep running, keep escaping, keep arriving, keep on, keep it all, and keep moving.

tim.

one day in everyday.

Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something

if i asked you to live would you do it just for me? if i asked you to jump would you trust me? i dont think you would. i really dont. the edge of my plateau is getting further and further away, and all you have to do is jump and yet you will stay on your green pasture because you are too afraid to fall. dont you see that you have wings? sometimes you have to turn around and see yourself through my eyes. see yourself the way i see you. yo floated down from heaven and perched on the edge you shy away from putting your toe in the water. you dont want to get wet. you dont want the ripples. you dont want to break the surface. i know, i know. but sometimes, you just got to break the surface to get anywhere. just drop in and see where it takes you. see what happens and most of all see yourself on the cool blue reflection the second before you break its glass.

my plateau is getting lonely now. the winds are picking up. twins of the santa ana, but always falling west. racing to meet the sun as it peeks over the horizon. its a new day again. time to relive it all the way you want it to be. i know when the light reigns over me you wont be here, but i have no worries. theres tomorrow, or the next day, and one day you will be here. one day we will walk hand in hand to the light and live our day together. a day that forever is still, but always keeps moving. that one day that is the sum of every feeling you have ever had. the times you remember with your dad when he was superman; your mom, when she was the best; your brother when he was looking out for you; your family when they were all together; your life when it was just one piece. there it is perfect. it may not be tomorrow, or the next day, but it will happen eventually. ill have that perfect day that will be the day it all came together.

as you fall deeper into the water look back up at the surface and see it altogether again. the other side was everything up to now and you are in the now. there is no one reflection of yourself. it is every moment of yourself - good and bad. it all makes sense now.

just keep moving.

tim.

just dont say it.

if you cant find a way to help her you can go to hell

i wish there was a way sometimes. you can plan, you can pray, you can hope, and you can do everything in your power and yet everything falls apart sometimes. when it does they say you are left to pick up the pieces. but maybe you are tired of picking up the pieces and your tired of buying superglue and your tired of spending saturdays building puzzles. maybe you are tired of being tired. or maybe you are just plain tired. we are human beings. nothing more nothing less. i wonder how it is that we of all of the creatures on earth seem to have the highest capacity for emotion. we have it all - anger, happiness, sadness, joy, and everything in between. is there a point that we have too much? can we no longer take it anymore? lets just live like monkeys for awhile and pick grapes from trees. maybe then we would not kill one another physically. maybe then we would not kill one another emotionally.

when you think of someone that you hate. think of them now. when you think of them, and you think of all of these things you would do or say to them if you had the chance. now think of them on the floor beneath you. you shot them in the back and now they lay. a canyon down their back with a red river flowing forth. they wont make you mad anymore. they wont make anyone mad anymore. no anger, no joy. they are done. could you take it? what gives someone the right over another? what makes us even think this in the first place? why is it that everything on this earth is a balance. a scale that we are trying to force in our direction just enough so that our feet touch the ground, and when they do, we will run with it. where? why? how? is no one content with living where they are now? is no one content with living. i know they say you should have goals in your life, but you should also have fun. otherwise why do you keep moving?

tim.