at an intersection.

though ill never forget your face sometimes i cant remember my own.

do not ever forget the people that have helped you to where you are. they are small and chances are you have forgotten a lot of them. when i think back though, there are people and persons in my life that i may have only known for a little bit. a few minutes. just a little glance. but sometimes thats all it takes.  it seems strange to think about now, but i can remember just a person that was walking on the crosswalk in front of me at the intersection. they did not even know that i was looking at them, but they influenced me. maybe it was the clothes they were wearing, maybe it was just the way they carried themselves, but they influenced me nonetheless. those simple every days can change your life. you probably just do not know it at the time, but eventually you will whether you will admit it or not. as i think about it though, i hope there is someone out there who thinks about me walking in front of them or maybe sharing a smile that influenced their life. i hope that i have made an impact on the world, if only for just holding the door for someone that looked like they needed it. when i feel like i do not make a difference, it is this that makes me keep moving.

tim.

just thinking.

girl in a red dress, passes you by, a hurried deception, glean to her eye...

i wonder now what you are doing. you seem to have a hold on me. an inexplicable control of my every moment. i wish i could get free, but all the same i love it. its what i try so hard for. acid dripping into water, my reaction is always wild to you. wish it was not, but i think we both love it. where are you though? what is it that you are doing? we have come to live together and yet you are apart. explain this to me or at least give me some credit. do not overlook the importance of my heart in all of this. even when i lose my mind, it is my heart that keeps me moving.

tim.

confusing melodies without a sound.

its got me out of my head

and i dont know what i came for.

i am confused. i am lost. i am finding my way, and damn its confusing.

admission is awful. i dont mean in the sense of getting into college. i mean in admitting something to someone. without it there is no distinction between the people in our lives. we have different levels of people that we know and they know more and more about us until they are closest and then they know more about us then we do ourselves. for most people that is their family. their stone pillar. their constant in life. for me it has been no one my entire life. i guess i have never trusted another soul with my deepest thoughts. the pieces of me that scare me and the pieces that keep me settled. 

ill let you hold my heart for a minute. hold it in your hands. feel what i feel. see how i see. but know that it is my vision, not yours. i saw you tear yourself apart. i saw you let them get the better of you. i watched them pick every last piece. then i saw you collapse on the stoop in front of the door to everything you believed in. it broke my heart, but it is always mended. you cant blame yourself. you can only get back up and shake it off. you have got to get up. never give up on me. always keep moving.

tim.

tilt your head a little.

convince yourself that everything is alright,

cause it already is.

oh and what a difference it makes. i can not stress the importance to change ones scenery. either physically get up and walk down the street in the opposite direction or maybe just talk to someone you havent talked to in quite some time. i dont know how some people can live in the same town their whole lives. i want to see as much of the world as possible even if its only a few minutes away.

its funny how the mind works. you can see the same thing in a picture a million times and then you will look at it again and its all different. everything is like that. you just have to tilt your head a little (or figuratively). we accept that things are the way they are but it doesnt have to be like that anymore. we make what life is. we say time exists so it does. just believe in something wonderful and then live it. when youve had enough of that, keep moving.

tim.

happiness with a stranger.

do whatever you have to do,

to get it out and not become a reaction memory to hurt the ones you love.

to think back on the times in my life that were wonderful i am sad because if i had known that some of those times would be the best times of my life i might have savored them a little more. i may have taken a second mentally and stepped back to se all of my friends in the backseat of the car laughing about the most ridiculous things. i may have taken a moment to understand the gravity of the words that i was speaking as you stared across into my eyes that cold night so high in the sky. and yes i know that sounds like a song lyric, but i truly remember that night as that and the person i shared that moment with would feel the same. i find that the truth behind all of life; the absolute constant behind what makes life great, is happiness in any respect. to be truly happy. aside from that nothing else matters.

i have been fighting my battles and not looking at the bigger picture lately. i was thinking about good times in my life. when thinking about what i want right now and what i wanted 5 years ago i would say that in general my wants are the same. heres the kicker though, the best times of my life had nothing to do with what i wanted, they were most often a brief repose from the everyday. they were simple smiles shared with those i love. sometimes you have just got to step back and see it all. enjoy a laugh. enjoy a smile. share a moment of happiness with a stranger. above all though, make sure that whatever you are doing in life has a root of happiness somewhere in it, because life is happiness. and happiness is what makes us keep moving.

tim.

filth.

read me a letter baby.

I couldnt sleep tonight. i went for a walk to a parking garage to take in the air above the city. sometimes you have to go up high to take in something that isnt filthy. but it didnt matter how high i went, i still couldnt get rid of it.

tim.

magic soakin' my spine.

i picture you in the sun, wondering what went wrong

falling down on your knees asking for sympathy.

if i find my way how much will i find? you should be yourself, but if being yourself changes who you are should you really be yourself anymore? everyone has their problems and thats me included. i wonder now if i can fix the problems that i have. i wonder now where i went wrong and when did this happen to me. it seems not too long ago that i was sitting and feeling on top of the world with everything in the palm of my hands and now i have gone to the bottom. the only person i have to blame is myself in the end. but maybe that is a good thing. the way i see it is that the fewer variable there are in the equation the easier it is to fix (thanks algebra), and if its just me then it should be easy to come to a conclusion. and that is really what it is. it is not about fixing anything, its about figuring out what is going on and adapting to it.

i do not quite know where i am right now, but i know only time will tell what happens from here. to start from the beginning and keep moving.

tim. 

where everything will change, we'll give ourselves new names.

sometimes its just the sound of the tv that gets me always wondering why.

moments of our everyday determine the outcome of our every year and the rest of our lives. when i think back there are so many moments i would change. i would say something differently, maybe the same thing, just in a different tone. there are people i would ask to tag along. there are times that i would act differently. all these things i would change, but some things would remain the same. i would still have the passion that i have. i would still care as much as i do. i would still try in futility just to know that i had.

truth is, im tired of thinking about the past. im tired of thinking about the every moment. i just want to be free. i want to escape the everyday and go on to the rest of my life. i have always had this picture of what i want my life to be, but i just dont know how i can get it from here to there. now i sit before a blinking cursor that listens to my every command and i wonder what to do. for the first time in a long time i am at a loss. i am a person with plans. this doesnt happen to me. i have plans for backup plans for plans. i dont sit alone and wonder. it isnt me. i have no idea what i am doing now, so i guess i will rewrite. i will begin again. i will start over from the beginning. this time im not making an end plan, i am simply letting the end find itself in the now. i will not dictate time, i will let it keep moving.

tim.

can we pretend a little longer.

there is no way around it.

some time back i wrote about a friend that was subconsciously remaining oblivious to a situation and all i wanted to do is tell him to wake the fuck up and look at what he is doing; to look at the waste he is contributing to in his life. i never said a thing to him. he continues to spend his life in a distorted state. he choses to ignore the warning signs from all around him only to exist without change. it is sad, but it is what he needs right now over everything else. i am glad that i said nothing to him. i would have ruined his life. then he would have hated me.

the part about all of this that is awful is that i know that i subconsciously ignore what is present in my life. i know exactly what it is that i am ignoring, but i can not for the life of me turn and face it. i need someone to confront me. i need to hate them. i need to be better. he wants the same.

i know this is what i need to keep moving.

tim.

theres no one there but me.

do you want to see the place where i am free? 

in my mind i need it but youre nowhere near to me.

the smell of fall in the air. she is driving me downtown. i have no idea what i am doing and she knows that but i have yet to learn. my naiveté is on me worse than the shirt i am wearing. she does not care for me. i think i know that, but truth is i have never had it so i have no idea. i am going places now that i always dreamed of. i am going places that i do not even know. the next 60 days will forever change my life. it will make the fall depressing. it will make those certain blurred images the blackness of my soul. she will bring out all in me that i never thought existed. the good and the bad. for that i can not be angry towards her. she is only living her life and i am living mine. she needs something and i need something different. we are just trying to exist.

everything has changed since then. i am not the person i thought i would be. it is not a bad thing. in most cases it is better. when i was young i thought i could make everything better. i thought that no matter what was in the world that troubled, i could work hard and make it better. i think a lot of people never stop believing that in their mind.

autumn leaves of red and gold streaked across the sky like meteors in the dead of night. it was not raining, but it might as well have been. i was breaking my rules and the rules before me. i was doing things i never dreamt of. i was living. i had done it. i had escaped from the cycle that doomed my future.

ever since then i have gotten the hell out. i have lived every day. trying to make the best of my life in anyway that i can. and it it good. it is what those hopeful and optimistic people always say to do when you are at a church or something. the only thing they do not tell you is that if you see it all in a positive light, then every single person you know will be in a negative one. the people you used to like will turn away. the friends you had will close their eyes. when you have no one else, your loved ones will turn on you. they will give you every reason for negativity. thats when its hardest. thats when you are tested. you know you have no one. that is when you close your eyes and know that the day has just begun and it is all up to you to keep moving.

tim.

laughing at the consequence.

dont you know by now that this is what we are.

dont you wish you could hit pause sometimes and enjoy just one moment for a little longer. people always tell you that you dont know what you have until its gone. i know what ive got and i know when its gone. i know when its about to be gone. yes, i would like to know a little more in advance but i know we cant have everything. its what makes life interesting - you know, spice.

i think back though to when i was young and i presume this is the same for many other people. when you are really young you dont know at all what you want, you only take what you are given. then you reach a stage in your life where you start to get focus of your own accord. you start to see what it is that you want, but you cant quite reach it no matter how hard you try. the next stage in your life is where you spend the rest of it. you can try and get what you want. sometimes it works and other times it doesnt. i want nothing more than to be in the stage when i want for nothing of my own mind. and then i guess the prophecy comes true. because if i had known what i know now, i never would have grown up. but then what a creep would i be. i guess life isnt that bad when you think about it, it just wears you out. thinking that you work harder and harder everyday trying to surpass the day before until one day you die and no one knows whats past that. all we do is keep moving.

tim.

40,340,266 +/- 1 step

we can lose ourselves

not find our way back home

till the whole world feels just like a saturday night

without a care in the world

without a net underneath us.

our world is one of compromise. we let the ones we love take a little piece of us and in return we get a piece of them. but when we go outside, its all about getting more pieces of the world than it gets of us. your success depends on this. you see, if you get less you fail, if you get more you win, if you get the same you might as well fail. which is dumb when you think about it. there are almost 7 billion people in the world and when you go with the odds on in three persons is successful (meaning they get more than they give). now im not being cynical but do you think you are one of the lucky third? sadly your chances are about the same for getting a disease as they are for being successful.

compromise. how much can you take? how much is too much. these days i find myself taking 2 steps forward and three steps back. which doesnt seem that bad on the whole for how many steps ive taken forward in my life. the point is this (oh yes there is a point to this one), i see my world as a sphere. i think most of us do. 2 steps forward and three steps back results in one step backwards. how many times can you do this? well ill tell you 40,340,266.7 will bring me all the way back around to where i started. so then the question is if i end up where i started am i losing ground? thats what i wonder and no one can tell me. no one seems to know. but heres what worries me even more than the answer to that. what if i make only half of those back steps? then on the other side of where i want to be, or maybe i was going to be there anyways if i had stepped forward to begin with. the point of it all is, dont take too many compromises. you just cant handle it all when it all hits the fan. compromise is like tape and we all know the chair ceases to be a chair when the chair is made of more than half tape. but i guess we just keep letting it be so that we arent uncomfortable. we all allow our fear of change and acceptance to take over what we want and what we are. if you are reading it here, try to be yourself for a day. not for anyone but yourself. try it out, without compromise. do the people that love you still love you? is your world still yours, or do you transcend to another plane; to that top one third? do it or dont, but please dont stop away from where you started, please keep moving.

tim.

im sure that could be reason enough if not for anything else.

im not flesh im not stone

the king is dead and the queen has flown.

you cant always rely on yourself. you cant make yourself the pillar of strength to yourself. if you do, then what are you holding up?

you dont need to submit to anyone, you just need to acknowledge them sometimes. you need to see them and let them in a little. this world was not made for one. if you take anything from me take this please. i see you sitting there and you are so strong. you are so powerful within, but you never let it out. you never let me see it it in you; see it from you. i will tell you i get tired. i want nothing more than to see you now. all of you, not just the parts you choose to show me. if not for you, if not for nothing else, just do it for me. im sure that could be reason enough if not for anything else.

its dark here now, but somewhere in the world the sun is shining. someone is waking up right now to another beautiful day. there are people that i want to help. i want to open their eyes and point their heads upwards to the sky. that they might see the blue that is only there. that they may smell the air around them, a fragrance that is not good or bad but instead the thought of the day, the sense of the now. if i could just let them experience that 6th sense of our bodies of when the sun pours over your skin and a warmth radiates through your body all the way to the bones. and the best part of all that is that im damned either way. see, if i do, if i do that all for you just so you could feel a little better, then you would see the world and you wouldnt see me. but hell if i dont, well you never change, and you never see me. we all have timelines and lifelines. right now i wonder where i fit in there. will i ever come into yours. will you ever be in mine. sometimes i dont like to think about it. other times i wonder if i care enough to even think about it that much. then i just think about what used to make me happy when i was younger. if only we didnt have to keep moving.

tim.

its days like this that burn turn me inside out and turn me.

sometimes i think im gonna make it, sometimes i fake it.

dont be discouraged, it will all get better. thats word for word what someone told me one time. every once in awhile i think about the time they told me that and i kind of laugh. not that im looking negatively upon the world, but i just think its funny because they pretty much only told me that so that they could feel a little bit better thinking that it will all get better for them. it did make me feel a little better though. realized when they told me that, that there was no one in the world impervious to the emotional and physical stress that is here. as much as we would all like t say that we are diamonds, were all just a bunch of limestone and the wind is blowing in the sand. it is what it is though. we are what we are. generally thats what i find after a session of profound thinking. life is unpredictable and its best not to say things will get better or worse, because no one likes a boring life that is what it is before what it is. strange condition, isnt it?

i have my days and my nights but dont we all? everyday its different. i see it all a little bit different everyday. so what im having trouble with is finding consistency in it all. i mean its better than it used to be and everyday its a little bit better, but its still a bit of a chore. i wonder how if i dont know who i am how can someone else know me. thats the awful part to me. i get a little tired of thinking sometimes. it would be nice if we could all just take a little break and sit for an hour without thinking, fighting, loving, hating, caring, trying, etc. but then we wouldnt keep moving.

tim.

'sardanopolis' should be an ice cream flavor.

oh the glory when he took our place

but he took my shoulders and he shook my face

and he takes and he takes and he takes.

what is life without mistakes. mistakes are like time. they are nothing until we say they are. mistakes unto themselves do not exist until we place existence on them. then you think its this and you think that it is amazing then that half of all that we do is mistakes. half! then why do we place such a poor feeling on the idea of mistakes. if we consider that negative whats to say we consider success positive? what is the point that separates the two from one another?

the point of it is, we have created mistakes so why do we make them with a negative connotation? why can the human race not invent something good. something that does not limit, disguise, or destroy?

i have made mistakes in my life and i do make mistakes in my life - i always will. the question then that i and all of you should as is what makes it bad? what makes it good? if your glass is half empty then why do you really care anymore? why do you keep moving?

tim.

whos who? not i, said me.

was it the fucking high school that you went to that made you the cynic?

everyone has an inner dialogue whether you realize it or not. a lot of people will chose to deny this claim stating that they have no voices in their head and are not insane. other people take it a little far and let the voices channel physically through them. they are, without a doubt, insane.

these days are busy ones, but i am looking fondly on them. sad will be the days that are no longer busy. i dont think that i could ever retire. sitting in front of the tv is easier than working, but i would rather be working.

i was recently reminded of what horrible creatures humans are. we have an enormous ability to be compassionate and yet more often than not we are not. we choose instead to do the wrong thing. some of us i believe do the wrong thing consciously, while others are simply going through the motions. take a moment and look at the actions you have made in the last 24 hours and ask yourself whether you were: going through the motions, making poor choices, making purposeful choices, making an effort to do anything. i know that it is somewhat cliche to ask what the meaning of life is, but really why do we spend so much time in this black and empty space only to have a few choice moments of excitement? is it possible to dictate your life? truly to control it to the best of your ability. try it and find out. you can only get so far.

right now i am puzzling myself over what is to be done over the next few days, weeks, months, years. im sort of like that, always thinking ahead. usually i have a goal laid out and i have a general idea of what i am aiming for. well not usually, more like all of the time since i was born. the truth of the matter now though is that i have no idea. i really could not tell you what is going to happen in the next few months and im really not worried. i dont have to worry though, because i know that whether i worry or not, the world will keep moving.

tim.

Its alright caroline

take a long time to grow again.

and even when you think that its not going to work it does. you can not see the end of it all but you know it will be alright. sometimes we get told somethings. sometimes we are left out, but we know we are all in anyways. im not really worried about the means, i already know how its going to end. picture that game where you drop a quarter in and it bounces through all the pegs and goes in one of the holes at the bottom. only one wins, the others lose. truth is nobody ever really loses. if you put your quarter in its not something that you really were counting on to make it so the result does not really matter. you are still here and you still keep moving.

tim.