justification for cutting down a tree to me.

got me in a haze running for cover

where we gonna go from here.

the melodies carried by a soft clarinet are the best in the world. nothing can be compared to the sound of air passing through the wooden body and out the chromed metal openings. it is justification for cutting down a tree to me.

i question whether or not i make the right decisions every day. should i go left or right? right? ok. now which foot first? i read in scientific american one time that every moment in your life creates a separate but parallel universe in which the inverse of the decision you made is being made. and for every decision thereafter it compounds. perspective of what is, completely leaves us. i want the universe i am in to be good so i worry about what decision i make now. though i suppose so many other parallels have ended in death and i am glad to have missed those. to imagine that one point in your life that has the most significant impact changing, changes everything. would i be where i am? would i know who i know? would you be reading this out there? every question has its answer in me and an alternate and a combination of the two in different ways and so on.

the best strategy i find is to listen to the clarinet. some piano. and maybe some cello if you are lucky. then sit back and let it all come to you. it is easiest to let it come to you. it is easiest to keep moving.

tim.

a little bit of respect for those that have fallen.

tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites.

we were going to the airport that afternoon. i didnt really know what for but it didnt really matter. i was happy to be out of the ordinary for once. my father was driving in his little golden honda. my brother and i in the back. it was a wonderful sight. the sun was low on the horizon yet never seemed to set. we held a sheet above our heads with the windows rolled down. i didnt hear anything but the sound of air rushing through the cabin. the overwhelming feeling of the sheet moving in and out. entertained by the sheer sight of it. no speech was necessary to enjoy it. this was one of those minutes i would give my life away just to have it back. it is one of those moments that muster up a little bit of respect for those that have fallen from the heights of my mind. i was happy. i was smiling. i was oblivious to everything else in the world. all that was important was the moment i was in. to set myself apart like that again would be heaven on earth, but once a moment has passed it may never return, and as you grow old the pins of heaven grow further and further apart on the clothesline of happiness. the same things are no longer beautiful anymore. i wonder sometimes what it is i hold onto then in these emotions and memories. do i want the happiness back that has passed? or am i simply diverting my thoughts for the moment. time will tell i suppose. for now i will listen to those old songs. i will love what i can feel. i will give it all everything. and i will keep moving, just as long as you do.

tim.

perfume on my pillows.

I need you so much closer.

It seems before all of this that things were so simple. i had my everyday routine. i had what made me happy and what didnt. i had nothing really at all. no hopes. no dreams. now i wake up and i can see where i have been. i can see where i am. and i can see where i am going. i dont worry anymore about the small stuff. it is all really trivial in the day.

my mind wanders in the day to what you may be doing now. how the light is hitting you. where your eyes may rest. how your hair may fall along your shoulders to rest on your back. i wonder where you are. i wonder why you are not with me, but then i remember it is only a matter of time. i dont think i have ever wanted to be next to another soul like this before. i cannot imagine what life would be without your touch, or the scent of your perfume on my pillows at night. it is all perfect. nothing in my life has gone so well before. i love every minute of it and i am never letting go. you are what keeps me moving.

tim.

sleep through these bad times.

in your life, you can talk about it.

i havent written in a while and i think it is starting to have a negative result on me. writing is a good therapy to me to get it all out, but even still when i finish it feels like i have just begun.

is it strange that i have been listening to music because it has harmonica in it lately? i think it is a bit strange regardless. something about that winey metallic sound seems to pull me in. its a little bit like my life. a beautiful melody from a small box with a bit of a harsh sting. i remember a long time ago when i was little and i asked an old woman if she needed help with her groceries getting them to her car. she must have though i wasnt genuine in my actions and shooed me away. i never really understood it though. i try to do something nice for someone and they take it the wrong way. misinterpretation has always been one of my struggles in life. people can never tell what i am saying or trying to say. they think im up when im down and reverse. but besides that i think people have become a little untrusting of others, a little bit more shut up. i have found this to be especially true when coming to the south. almost everyone is nice down here. its not like up north where when you stare off in a direction they think youre going to steal their baby. i miss the niceties that never really existed in my life. when the men held the door for the lady, walked on the street side of the sidewalk, pulled the chair out. I miss the people that brought pie to the door when you move into the neighborhood. what ever happened to that? how did i miss out on that good stuff? now all ive got is the internet where i can watch anything fornicate anything else.

i think maybe i will curl up and sleep until the times have changed. until then keep moving.

tim.

filled with stars.

if i told you you were right would you take my hand tonight?

i want to take a trip. im not sure were or why. i just feel closed in lately. i need to get out of this city. yes its beautiful here, but sometimes we all need a little change of scenery. i think this is the longest i have stayed in one place in several years without ever venturing out more than 20 miles. i want so desperately to get in the car and not stop. i want so badly to go until i know where i am. i need to escape it all. not forever, just for a few days. i dont think it is too much to ask nor do i think it is out of the ordinary to wish so.

do you remember what the sky looked like when the earth rotated filled with stars, the smell of pine in the air. the way the gravel felt under my feet didnt really bother me. i like it now thinking back. i remember it all and i want it all again so badly. i wont stop keep moving.

tim.

mental affliction i will take it.

do the people all just scare of you?

when it rains i seem to rush a little. i think for some reason that the rain is closing in on me and i better find a way out or it is going to get me. it is a mental affliction i suffer from along with many others. when raindrops hit your head they sink through to your brain and rain on your mind. try it sometime. it rained today.

i was thinking about it though and i started to question why i rush. i am trying to get to somewhere important to me. i have this place that i think of everyday and i just wish i could get there. i am not really sure why it is the best to me over another space in the world but it is. i thought i was ready to share but i guess i am not. i might not ever be. for now it is my spot. one day i will get there. until then i will rush around. the best remedy for missing it right now is to keep moving.

tim.

thats alright, but not by me.

now its in the alley behind your apartment with a sign that says free.

i hope you had more luck with it than me.

how i would like to say that i still care. sometimes when i hear your name in passing i wonder how you are doing, but then i turn the other way. somewhere along the way i made a terrible mistake and not one that i will likely (hopefully) ever make again. i stopped worrying about myself and i put it all on you. i worried about you day and night and i am not even sure why. you took it all and gave nothing back. you were, and are the most selfish person i will, have ever known. thats alright, but not by me. 

when i stepped out that day, it was nice. like when it snows for the first time and you think fall is officially over. the air is crisp and the sun sparkles off the snow. that is nice. i mean, i have got to say that i love the fall, but really once you are through it nothing is more depressing really. i would have to say that you are the fall of my life. damn. even that makes me mad though. you have a season of my life almost entirely to yourself.

well for now i will enjoy the spring and desperately wait for summer to come on in. watch the shadows on the ground of a large tree at noon. look at the patterns they make and think of me. not too much. i do not want you obsessed. keep moving.

tim.

it all comes back to where it started.

i was waiting over here for life to begin,

was looking for the new thing...

life is connected on a chain of unbreakable links. there are two sides that result from this. there is the side that keeps us all moving. then there is the side that will always keep us attached to what has been. every day is a new link and every link makes our life a little stronger, a little fuller, a little more complete. i would like to think that one day it all comes full circle. that maybe it all comes back together where it started and from there we all jump off to wherever it is we go. i wonder where that is everyday and yet i sit and wonder where it is i came from. i know all of the events. i know all of the happenings. i know all of the things i felt when i felt them. i know it all, but somehow i find it strange to think of where i came from and what makes me distinctly me. and then i find myself wondering if i am going the right direction, if i dont even know where it is i came from. how am i supposed to get back to where i started? maybe it will all work out. i guess in the meantime i will just keep moving.

tim.

stop wondering, start wandering.

did i sleep? cause i must have been dreaming.

did i weep? cause i cried like hell.

i wonder so many things all the time. i wonder where it is i am going in life. what is is i am doing. if i have made the right decisions. if i made a decision at all. but then i take a breath and step away from it all. thats important you know? stepping away from it all. we do not pilot our way through life. to say that we do is just a lie. you do not decide your destiny, nor is there a destiny for every one person. we are all simply wandering. we take our time on a path through the woods of life, and oh if the trees could talk.

i get frustrated sometimes because i think that i have a significant role in changing the outcome of my life and the lives around me. then i come to realize that what may happen will happen and what may not happen will happen too. i am a control freak, but the one thing i cant control is life on the whole. its terrifying, but its also kind of nice. i do not have to think about it, it just happens, and i keep moving.

tim.