things i need to do.

i tremble, theyre gonna eat me alive.

mixed up feelings today. good and bad. i miss certain things and people. i want to be in a few different places at once and its hard to say which will be which. theres a point i got somewhere in my life when i realized it was far too complicated and far too complicated to even begin to uncomplicate. i think that moment came somewhere around the time that i realized i didnt have enough time in the day to do the things i needed to do. i find day by day that the time becomes filled with things i need to do and only a few slots remain for things i want to do. now is the time in my life where i solidify the rest of it and set out a few heres and theres of things i want to do and fill the rest with necessities. ready to get back to work and ready to keep moving.

tim.

make sure as hell.

i meant every word. theyre just fucking words.

as i watched tv tonight i saw the old man (ben stillers father) say 'take it from me love should be easy, when you have it you will know. but what do i know? ive only been at it for 65 years now.' i like that. ive heard people say it before but i have ignored it and sort of let it go over me like all those little cliches 'sticks and stones may etc.' but its true. it should be easy. you shouldnt have to try. it should come to you and her (or him). i mean if there is anything in your life that is easy it should be love. im pretty sure its what we are meant to do.

my minds been in the past for a few days now. we all have those past relationships and loves and its crazy how when you are there and in them you love them like none other and then its gone and you think love will never come again. that youll never get that feeling in your heart again and before you know it you start all over again. when do you know when to stop? when do you know you have had enough of the new feelings and the searching and youre ready to lay your head down? you should think about these things. to my significant other out there i am not saying i am searching still. im simply saying for others to make sure, make sure as hell that they are getting what they want in life.

please please please make sure as hell and then keep moving.

tim.

necessary adaptation.

who says i cant be free from all of the things i used to be?

its been a long couple of weeks. or months now i guess. everything rushed through so fast i think i just zoned out. its necessary to zone out sometimes. it lets all those little things slide right past you. all those harsh words and misunderstandings. you do lose some. the good stuff that is. all those little words that make you laugh or smile in the day. theres a lot of those for me. more so than most people i would say. i giggle inside to myself and it helps me through the rough times. gets me in trouble sometimes too. probably shouldnt laugh at the things that are sad. some say it is a coping mechanism. i say its a necessary adaptation to our world. one that makes it a little brighter.

i was thinking about being in middle school and how much i thought it mattered. then i thought about high school and how serious all of that was. the relationships. the friends. the people. the places. how insignificant all of those things really are. none of it mattered at all now. im not that person anymore. im better for all of it. but im ashamed the things ive done the places ive gone and the people ive hurt. we all have a past though. there are no rules to life. ive tried a lot of styles, but the only way to live your life is the way that you are how you want to be. dont judge others for being sad, happy, hurt or glad. do what you want to be, be who you want to be and keep moving because regardless everything else keeps moving.

tim.

not a bad busy.

we say no, cause i live my life like a burning man.

i know to those of you who actually read this that i havent been writing too much these days. its sad i know. life has been busy to say the least. not a bad busy though. i must say thank you for that. i have been doing school, work, and mixing some fun in there too. i just keep sitting in amazement though to look at the time and the past few weeks and wonder where it all goes. i mean i can see where it has all been and what i was doing and when but it just amazes me that it all flies by so quickly. i wonder then if all of the rest of my life will be like this? when your younger they say enjoy it while it lasts because it only gets worse and the time flies by. now time is flying by but its about the same not worse. im 20 now. i havent even taken that all in. i look at it and it is like i am moving so fast i should be on fire, breaking through sheets of glass that are the tasks of my everyday.

well i am going to sleep now. one thing they never say is that when you get older you dont get to sleep.

oh and fuck the 'bicycle link'. those shit-tards broke my bike and charged me for it.

so take all that and keep moving.

tim.

streaks of proverbial fire.

theres no point trying to change it.

a feeling of disachievement. thats what i have at the end of a long weekend when not much happened academically. it was my birthday and a party happened and not much past that. the usual criminals (not suspects, we know theyre all guilty) and even some new ones which was nice. the end of it all i look back and there were only a few times remembered and the rest flew by. thats what fall will do. we dont fall we just forget. it all blends together and you end up with this colorful image. its looking out the passenger window. the sky is grayish blue. the leaves are orange, red, yellow, on fire. the grass is bright green like it is in the fall after the first few leaves hit the floor. it all blends together into streaks of proverbial fire and you - you dont even know whats in store. i am gone and youre still there and things havent started yet, but they are about to. and oh if i could go back and change it now i would, but that is disachievement. and so your heart falls to the floor where i left it. i think its still there today, along with a little edge of my smile. every bad weighs a little on my smile but its still up and i keep moving. please, you keep moving.

tim.

she would draw shapes.

oh and what a difference it would make.

fall time always makes me smile a soft smile of happiness. when i was young i related it to halloween and all of the fun associated with it. now that i am slightly older i think about the fall i got my drivers license and was allowed some freedom. i remember getting a job and loving to go to work. to be able to do something on my own for my own good was a great feeling. i specifically remember driving around the blind curve of my high school, on the back side. the fall leaves orange and red. i would take this path after school every day, going down to the science rooms on the other side and the small parking lot there. the girl i was dating at the time would ride with me sometimes and we would sit and talk in the car before i went into science club (i know...). i remember that fall was cooler than others and the windows would fog up from our breath condensing on them. she would draw shapes and faces and little hearts with her finger on the glass. when i drove my brothers car this summer i looked up and saw through the reflection on the sunroof there was still a little heart faintly apparent on the glass from so long ago. literally lifetimes have passed now. i am someone completely different, but i can not deny the person i was then. i will always remember fall days and the feelings i have on them. tree lightings and all in the downtown square. pictures of campus, orange red and just a hint of green. there isnt a thing that pushes me away. i always keep moving. and so should you. best regards.

tim.

if they did remember.

ive always been intrigued by stockholm syndrome

reminds me of my childhood

i miss certain memories that i have forgotten. parts of my younger years that i thought were the best in the world. you know how the smallest simplest things can really change your life when youre little? i miss those, mainly because i forgot them. hmm. i think a lot of people forgot them. if they did remember maybe the world would be a little bit better, maybe not though. i dont know. keep moving.

tim.