been going so well.

your voice is smoking.

last day of august and this is the last night at home. i have been thinking a lot today about the last time i left home and honestly i always get a little sad. i liken the feelings to a form of stockholm syndrome. a sort of, 'ive been here so long ive grown attached to it and now ill miss it.' its bad and pathetic i know. when i look back now at this summer though i really did have an alright time and while to most that may not sound like an awesome compliment to my home, but for those who know me you know this is a step up from my usual wording of home. as i look around at the changes i have caused this summer i think about the nights with my brother, the meals we had as a family, the early morning rush for work, the everyday routine. it isnt one particular thing about this place, rather it is just being in it. despite all of this i am anxious to leave. my experience has been and i will always be, that the night before the travel is always the longest and i really cant wait for this one to end. this year is the beginning of many great events of my life and the continuation of those that have been going so well. i am ready to start it all up again and keep moving.

tim.

70 to 100 years.

we were good in the beginning.

riddle me this. why is it that when there are republicans leading both the house and the senate no one complains, but when democrats take it over there is outrageous protest? the fact is, the government sways back and forth every decade. we want change, we get change, we get too much change, we change again. over and over since the very first elections in the winter of 1789. every ten years it is the same. i think if people would pay attention to the issues and not the party there would be less strife. the problem is when we get so wrapped up in the idea that a party is bad because of one issue or this or that. the woman down the street said she hated obama. i asked why. she said because he was a democrat and democrats believe in abortion. chances are, obama doesnt even believe in abortion, but thats just speculation on my part. chances are most of the politicians over the last 100 years only believed in 70% of what they said or signed. why is it that honesty and true virtues mean nothing anymore? can people really not be themselves and win an election?

and heres something else... in 70 to 100 years will we look back and say that the people of this time were absurd? i mean look a few years back and you have people being put to death for fear they were communists. the only reason cocaine is illegal now is because a few senators in the south came to the conclusion that black people became enraged by it and attacked white women. people thought that was true and voted on a bill to make it so. what the fuck. step back and look at the bigger picture. when you get it you get it so just keep moving.

tim.

ramble on.

youve got to get yourself together.

well, for the few of you that read my blog from time to time i apologize that it is sometimes depressing. i also apologize that there are parts that ramble on. put simply these are my thoughts unchanged and unedited so sometimes you go from point a skip points b through g and end up on point m. its just the way it is. sorry.

i also apologize for being uncreative as of late. i have had a creativity block being home. it seems that it stifles all life and allows for no useful thought. im sure we all think of our parents homes that way though. anyways my only point to all of this is that is important to take time to yourself everyday (and i know that wasnt how this started but bare with me) to collect your thoughts in order to remain you. too many people go with the flow and while that may be in your best interest most of the time, it can result in sad frowny faced people wandering the earth because they forgot who they were. most importantly you should avoid at all costs getting stuck in a moment (with no easy way out of it) and keep moving.

tim.

childhoods flee.

when you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun.

sometimes i wish that i had something interesting to say or a piece of art to display that might inspire a few, but unfortunately i do not. i dont really ever have anything that could sway the emotions of any person anywhere, but i do like to dream sometimes.

i was walking today and listening to music. its amazing how different the scenery is with just a simple track to play in the background. jose gonzales graced my ears with the song heartbeats as i watched from the corner of my eye the six and seven year olds play football. it is a damn shame that our childhoods flee from us so quickly. we are so imaginative and happy when we are little. some say it is the innocence but i like to think that it is that human beings are naturally happy people and it is this world that has developed around us that has made us so very unhappy. i mean think about your life and tell me there is one thing that you do when interacting with the world that makes you happy. i have my little world, my family, my girlfriend, my few close friends, my dog, and the street that i live on. but i mean the greater world. the one we go out into everyday to sell our soul piece by piece for a little bit of money. whens the last time it made you happy? if we as humans arent happy with the world we created then why have we created it? maybe its just me, but i like to say fuck sadness and keep moving.

tim.

wise beyond my years.

dally used to come for me.

a sad realization came to me the past few days. while growing up i came across people which i thought to be influential in my life. they changed the way i looked at the world and are very responsible for the way that i am today. when i met them i thought they were wise beyond my years. now i see them for who they really are and i am sad to say that many i have outgrown. seeing them now how they were five years ago, seeing myself how i am five years later. well i suppose that role models are all just rungs on the ladder and if we want to move up we grab them and keep moving.

tim.

hysterical hypocrisy.

counting all different ideas drifting away.

i did not know that it could be possible to be traumatized emotionally to the point that you go blind. they call it hysterical blindness. i think i would like to feel that once just to see how it felt to not be able to see. just not for too long.

problems this summer have been similar to blindness but are more figurative. really they arent my problems, but i still have to face the effects of the condition. i call it hysterical hypocrisy. see something happened and he must have been traumatized by it. you know that feeling you get when you are in a car wreck or you trip up the stairs in front of the person you have a crush on? well im thinking something like that, but times ten. shortly after the incident you are always trying to find a reason for what happened. you say 'oh they didnt notice' or 'hey now, its not that bad' when you are really thinking 'oh fuck i made a fool of myself' or 'oh fuck i just ruined my car.' (at least when i have these moments the afterthought usually begins with 'oh fuck' but to each his/her own.) the fact is, bad shit happens. its unavoidable. you get into situations youd rather not. you develop negative relationships. people get the wrong impression of you. these all happen. you cant focus in on it and think that the bad is life.

i think he did this though and focused a little too much on the wrong features. now he is trying to find some awesome and all-bases-covering excuse to excuse himself for his behavior, but the further he digs into his hole. being deep in the hole now he sees where he went wrong and rather than trying to climb up out, he digs sideways making a tunnel which shields him from all that is logical. assuring himself that everything is alright he gives advice to those not wanting any. he becomes a hypocrite. not only that, but one that does so because of a root problem that began with a traumatic event and snowballed from there. this is why i name it hysterical hypocrisy.

long story i know, but one that i truly saw every day this summer. save yourself the trouble and dont dig a hole to fix a bump in the road, just keep moving.

tim.

it is what it is.

got me in a haze running for cover.

it is what it is. you can worry about it but it will be the way it was going to be wether you worry or not so you might as well sit back and let it happen.

but sometimes its just hard to keep moving.

tim.

theyll get it eventually.

i believe they say, if everything were every day; it wouldnt make them go away.

i dont mean to be so ignorant. its just that sometimes it comes out. all i am ever striving for in life is good intentions. i want the best for myself, but most importantly those around me. i try my hardest to make life comfortable for everyone. what absolutely kills me is the accidentals that have plagued my social sphere for years. things that are not intentional, rather they happen and change the view of myself in others eyes. this evening was a perfect example of that. through a series of simple mistakes i made, i happened to create a wonderful distrust by someone in my sphere. it reminded me of the time i tried to step into an argument in 3rd grade to solve the dispute peacefully and ended up getting blamed for the whole thing. i simply wish that people would step out of their misconceptions and preconceived notions to see what is really in front of them. i am trying to do good. i have turned a leaf so many years ago now and i am trying to make things better. but somehow someone always finds the weak spot and makes it all about them. theyll get it eventually, just shrug it off and keep moving.

tim.