she would draw shapes.

oh and what a difference it would make.

fall time always makes me smile a soft smile of happiness. when i was young i related it to halloween and all of the fun associated with it. now that i am slightly older i think about the fall i got my drivers license and was allowed some freedom. i remember getting a job and loving to go to work. to be able to do something on my own for my own good was a great feeling. i specifically remember driving around the blind curve of my high school, on the back side. the fall leaves orange and red. i would take this path after school every day, going down to the science rooms on the other side and the small parking lot there. the girl i was dating at the time would ride with me sometimes and we would sit and talk in the car before i went into science club (i know...). i remember that fall was cooler than others and the windows would fog up from our breath condensing on them. she would draw shapes and faces and little hearts with her finger on the glass. when i drove my brothers car this summer i looked up and saw through the reflection on the sunroof there was still a little heart faintly apparent on the glass from so long ago. literally lifetimes have passed now. i am someone completely different, but i can not deny the person i was then. i will always remember fall days and the feelings i have on them. tree lightings and all in the downtown square. pictures of campus, orange red and just a hint of green. there isnt a thing that pushes me away. i always keep moving. and so should you. best regards.

tim.

if they did remember.

ive always been intrigued by stockholm syndrome

reminds me of my childhood

i miss certain memories that i have forgotten. parts of my younger years that i thought were the best in the world. you know how the smallest simplest things can really change your life when youre little? i miss those, mainly because i forgot them. hmm. i think a lot of people forgot them. if they did remember maybe the world would be a little bit better, maybe not though. i dont know. keep moving.

tim.

to have a wonderful day.

when you think about your life.

you dont know where it goes or how it will end. its not really something you think about from day to day or even in your life. i just thought today that today would be an alright last day. i mean it wasnt perfect. nothing really happened, but i would say that a good 90% of the day i had if not a smile on my face, a smile on my mind. today was a good day and i wouldnt mind if it was my last. of course, dont in anyway think that i am ready to die or suicidal or anything extreme. i am just saying that it was a good day and you always have to wonder those things; dont take it for granted. i think the more you wonder the more chance you will have to have a wonderful day. maybe not the days you smile on the outside, but the days you smile on the inside. after all it is happiness that makes us keep moving.

tim.

outside of the 2-3.

this little world needs not much more to be a completely perfect world.

public speaking. its a class im taking right now. one of the many foundation and or general study courses i must complete at scad, but one of the few of those courses still remaining on my list of to dos. an established fact is that the number one fear of people is public speaking.

i rode my bike to class today (and bare with me this does connect) and i arrived early so i went and sat in the square at the end of bay street and though about what makes me fear public speaking. it is not the speaking or the watchful eyes of the audience. it is the making a fool of myself that terrifies me. a snowball of sorts. i may forget my line, my lip will tremble i turn bright red i shake so much my voice reverberates as it escapes me. then in the moment the perception of myself in the eyes of others has changed forever. i fear this most because i fear this most in anything whether in front of people or just simply in class. i panic easily and while most of the time i can hide it, it does escape and those closest to me know that. but my point to all of this is that people do not fear speaking. people fear their own greatest fears inside of them. they fear that they may be an outcast or not accepted by the vast majority of the population. the truth is, outside of the 2-3 people you hold closest no one cares. yes i still remember the girl who cried during every speech and i remember feeling for her and feeling nothing else. i forgot who she was and cant remember her name now and everything she feared is long gone from that time. who needs the rest of the world when you have the ones around you? i mean we were only born with two hands so find a couple friends and keep moving.

tim.

for the simplest thing-happiness.

sends the autos swerving, into the loneliest evening.

i sometimes wonder what could have been. so many moments in your life there is a fork in the road and the simplest decision can make all the difference.

i dreamt last night of a friend of mine who passed away about a year ago now. she had made a series of poor decisions that led her down the wrong road before ultimately coming to a good place and finding herself in something she loved. i remember the last conversation i had with her in high school. she said it wasnt fair that some people have it all and others get nothing. she wasnt the most well off individual, and i thought it unfair that she struggled so much with money just to get by day to day with her family. now i realize though that it wasnt about money at all. it never was. she just wanted the life with two parents and a sibling and a half and the little dog and happy holidays, you know the whole nine yards. she wanted for the simplest thing-happiness. i remember her looking out the ceramics window saying 'i just dont want to be lonely anymore.' then like the leaf falling from a glowing maple tree in autumn, she floating slowly, and peacefully to the ground alone. she was gone and only a few souls noticed her as she left this place. i hope she is happy their now.

i wonder if all of these little decisions matter as much as i think they do. small sections in time changing the outcome of your entire life. i wonder if it all really matters at all. are we destined to live or not live the lives we are given? is there some plan for us to fade in slowly and fade out however it is decided for us? i hope what i do today and tomorrow makes a difference not only that day but the day after that and maybe even a few lifetimes from now. until then ill keep hoping and ill keep moving.

tim.