things i need to do.

i tremble, theyre gonna eat me alive.

mixed up feelings today. good and bad. i miss certain things and people. i want to be in a few different places at once and its hard to say which will be which. theres a point i got somewhere in my life when i realized it was far too complicated and far too complicated to even begin to uncomplicate. i think that moment came somewhere around the time that i realized i didnt have enough time in the day to do the things i needed to do. i find day by day that the time becomes filled with things i need to do and only a few slots remain for things i want to do. now is the time in my life where i solidify the rest of it and set out a few heres and theres of things i want to do and fill the rest with necessities. ready to get back to work and ready to keep moving.

tim.

make sure as hell.

i meant every word. theyre just fucking words.

as i watched tv tonight i saw the old man (ben stillers father) say 'take it from me love should be easy, when you have it you will know. but what do i know? ive only been at it for 65 years now.' i like that. ive heard people say it before but i have ignored it and sort of let it go over me like all those little cliches 'sticks and stones may etc.' but its true. it should be easy. you shouldnt have to try. it should come to you and her (or him). i mean if there is anything in your life that is easy it should be love. im pretty sure its what we are meant to do.

my minds been in the past for a few days now. we all have those past relationships and loves and its crazy how when you are there and in them you love them like none other and then its gone and you think love will never come again. that youll never get that feeling in your heart again and before you know it you start all over again. when do you know when to stop? when do you know you have had enough of the new feelings and the searching and youre ready to lay your head down? you should think about these things. to my significant other out there i am not saying i am searching still. im simply saying for others to make sure, make sure as hell that they are getting what they want in life.

please please please make sure as hell and then keep moving.

tim.

necessary adaptation.

who says i cant be free from all of the things i used to be?

its been a long couple of weeks. or months now i guess. everything rushed through so fast i think i just zoned out. its necessary to zone out sometimes. it lets all those little things slide right past you. all those harsh words and misunderstandings. you do lose some. the good stuff that is. all those little words that make you laugh or smile in the day. theres a lot of those for me. more so than most people i would say. i giggle inside to myself and it helps me through the rough times. gets me in trouble sometimes too. probably shouldnt laugh at the things that are sad. some say it is a coping mechanism. i say its a necessary adaptation to our world. one that makes it a little brighter.

i was thinking about being in middle school and how much i thought it mattered. then i thought about high school and how serious all of that was. the relationships. the friends. the people. the places. how insignificant all of those things really are. none of it mattered at all now. im not that person anymore. im better for all of it. but im ashamed the things ive done the places ive gone and the people ive hurt. we all have a past though. there are no rules to life. ive tried a lot of styles, but the only way to live your life is the way that you are how you want to be. dont judge others for being sad, happy, hurt or glad. do what you want to be, be who you want to be and keep moving because regardless everything else keeps moving.

tim.