kings born to freedom to tell others they are not free.

its alpha and omegas kingdom come.

had a political debate recently. got to thinking. what to do when i no longer believe in the politics taking our country. i can not imagine i am the only one and i do not pretend to be the first in history. i just wonder what happened to the way we all were (not in the shitty barbara striesand sense at all).

fourth of july is coming up soon. it will be the 230+ something anniversary of the founding of our country. we all started pretty fucked up. to think that the ideas we based our country on were a set of laws we thought to be just by our standards which directly defied that of our current owners/leaders. now we believe we are righteous and superior in the world. we tell other countries how to act like us. we tell iraq it is better to have a democracy. we offer comments on iran's state of affairs. who gave us powers? looking back at history it is my fathers fathers fathers (etc) who fought for freedom from tyranny and from the kings of so many countries. those kings born to freedom to tell others they are not free. they never knew another life than the kingdom they ruled. they did because they had done. how are we different now? what is to say that a king is an awful thing? whats to say that a democracy is a good thing? i just find it hard to live in a country now that was founded on the idea of escaping political and religious oppression now telling other countries how to rule and what is the superior form of government.

greater than the bills passed here and there, and the party lines, we need to wake up. we are turning into our father countries. the abused child abusing his children.

when i think sometimes i think that it may be nice to live in a country that is fine with being average. i think it must be nice to not worry about the poor everyday decisions being made by a group of men and women not elected by the vast majority. i think we are falling apart and we have been for quite some time now.

keep moving.

tim.

someone cares.

as we speak cruel time is fleeing, believe as little as possible in the morrow.

granted we can not live every day as if we would die tomorrow, but its nice to feel that way every once in a while.

i was skimming the paper the other day and as i often do, read the obituaries to make sure no one i know has passed. someone once told me that once you reach 15 you die off one by one. i thought it cynical at the time, but i now know it is true. since i was about 13 or so, there has been someone i know die just about every year. the most recent though was one that hit me a little bit harder than most.

when i was a junior in high school i took a ceramics class. i sat alone at the table because everyone else in the class was a freshmen. on the second day, a little girl with severe down syndrome decided to sit next to me and her guide for that class then followed. the little girl was barely interpreted in speech and was truly a challenge to communicate with. this compounded by the girl's lack of judgement made the whole ordeal a bit frustrating at times. i was never really bothered by it though and thus never complained. i always find the mentally disable fascinating as their minds have not been broken by culture. the girl's guide was a young girl with a small build. she was not blessed with the best of looks but by no means was ugly. she talked with me a few times and complimented me on my patience. i did not learn much about her, except that she wanted to be a teacher and was planning on going to school at the community college because she did not have enough money to go to iu. she worked 3 jobs since freshman year and hadnt spent a cent. life kept giving her rotten apples as her mother had 3 different boyfriends throughout the year and thus she was moving constantly, yet she always had a sunny disposition. on may 4th of 2009, she was driving home from classes and a drunk driver crossed the mid line killing her on impact. no one even told me. she passed from the world and no hoopla was made. no one mourned beyond belief and now life continues to move on. if i could have a moment with her now, i would tell her to live for a day. to throw all of her worries out the window and have fun. i would tell her that life is too short to slave away. but most importantly i would tell her that someone cares.

i am left with my self at the end of the day and while i put off telling her that someone cared she passed away. there are only so many days on the earth. do not put off today and say it will do tomorrow. there may not be that chance.

always keep moving.

tim.

shadows.

cut out the uniforms and settle with the sun.

the majority of the last few days can be summed up as follows: a lot of things happened, a few of which were important, most of which led me around in a circle that ended up here.

life is so very very stressful even when nothing of importance is really happening. it becomes so easy to put into your mind that things are coming up and you have to be ready for them or that a deadline is there and it is looming. i more than anyone am an aficionado of time. i just get so caught up in it sometimes that i forget what i am really worried about in the first place. is it the time that is always ticking on? or is it the job i am trying to do? lately i have let it all get the better of me. we are really not important in the grand scheme of things. our time here is but a second in the life of the world. to quote, we are but shadows and dust. it is not the moments that i finished my job on time that matters. it is how i lived my life. i have to remind myself every day that i am not as important as i make myself out to be. it is only when you let go of this notion that you can truly live without bounds. money is not something to worry about. time should not be the focus of my energy. and i should never forget to keep moving forward.

tim.

capture, freeze, reproduce (photography).

was an honest man asked me for the phone, tried to take control.

i wonder everyday what i am going to do the rest of my life. for someone under 25 to know what they are going to do is a joke. everyone in this country makes such a big deal out of what job you have or what profession you take up. from the moment you enter school here it is a matter of if you are in the advanced class or the normal (slow) class. every test you take even in elementary school the teachers make sure they get your hearts pounding and the idea that if you miss more than 20% of the questions you will lead a mediocre life at best with no hope of advancement from your lowly caste. schools rate you in numbers. they call the highest one the best (valedictorian) and the lowest one gets to clean the school or some other wonderful institution for the extent of his/her days. its great isnt it? i mean i feel anxious just thinking about it all and i have already gone through the worst parts of it. the best part about the whole thing, is that i did wonderfully in school. i wasnt the best but i made sure to cross every t and dot every i (especially since those are the first two letters of my name) and i did every extra credit or opportunity that was available. the best and most wonderful part of all of that is that i didnt learn from any of that what i wanted to do with the rest of my life. think of all of the years and money invested in all of that. not a waste, but not very successful id say.

after all of that the most influential part in my life would be a 6 dollar slr from goodwill when i was in 4th grade. it wasnt the best, but it did what it was made for. capturing reflected light, freezing it and reproducing it (sounds much cooler than photographer). 6 dollars and one afternoon and i was sold. now i go to school for it and surprise, its not as cut and dry as that. to be successful you have to pick a good minor and focused major in a field of photo. then you have to take the right professors. youve got to figure this all out quickly or youll be late and out of the loop then its all downhill. right now the only part ive really truly got down is photo. the rest will work its way out i suppose.

the point of all of this though is the rest of my life and im not sure what i want to do with it. someone once told me that they werent sure about a lot of things, but the one thing they were sure of was that they wanted to be a mom. and she has it there. life isnt about what you spend your days doing or how much money you make or what you drive. its not about the job you start with the job you work or the job you end with. life is about getting back what you put into it and the only thing that is a sure fire truth to that is life. now im not sure what i want to do in life but there is one thing i am positive i want, and that is to be a husband to that girl and a father to our children.

all this i want, thus, i keep moving.

tim.

home that i dream.

two years, two hundred sixty four days, and this morning.

to say that i am at an odd point in my life would be an understatement. to say that i was not wishing for a home would be a lie. my idea changes from day to day, the home that i wish for and the home that i dream of. i used to think of glorious things and beautiful places, and now i want nothing more than the people dream with, and wish for. to hope and dream is one thing, but to live is quite another. the world lacks a home for its people. turmoil, terror, and sadness overwhelm the vagabonds. when will they be home. when will we all be home.

i see my home, it is only a matter of reaching her. find yours as i have found mine. keep moving to it.

tim.

we will fight ours.

did you ever think someones trickin you?

today (and yesterday and everyday from here on out) mccain criticized the president for not taking a more firm action on the rising turmoil in pakistan. obama is taking a neutral political approach and applauded the pakistani's rights to provide a peaceful protest to the government. just as any person or group of people is aloud to protest in the united states.

where did the sense of overwhelming right and power in people come from? why is it that some people think that it is our job to take care of the rest of the world. pakistan in no way shape or form is affected by actions of the us that would lead them to the position they are in now. it is not the united state's job to monitor and protect other countries. i can not imagine if mccain had won the election. would we be charging head strong into pakistan to quell revolutionary spirits now? ('liberating them') countries are allowed to have inner turmoil and it is not our responsibility to change that. our responsibility is to focus on our country. lets put money into the schools, hospitals, fire/police stations, roads, alternative energy, and homeless. let us create government jobs for the people by improving our infrastructure. let us do something with what we have to improve what we have and stop pouring our money into the middle east. every time you fill up, another novelty shaped island is man made in abu dabi. another joke is placed at our expense. yes alternative fuel is expensive, but now so is gasoline, and if we had spent 2 trillion on updating our infrastructure we could be through all of the crisis now.

the base root of it all is that the people of the mideast will always fight. they have since the beginning of our history for one reason or another. let them fight their war and we will fight ours. lets keep moving.

tim.

luck(ie).

dont write yourself off yet.

the clarinets blasting late into the night as i sit and wait. i wait for someone or something to strike me and add a reason for the existence of life in me. i look for meaning in every action i take and i find no answer clearer than the next. for this i am always questioning what it is that makes it all work. why is it that everything in the world and in the galaxy and universe can all click cohesively. to imagine the chance of the bodies of dirt and matter collecting and then creating worlds that orbit around glowing bodies of energy and on at least one the circumstances came together and happened to lead to the creation of life one of which rising above the rest and making our world around us. the chance of all of that happening seems so insignificant that i consider myself lucky to be here. however i find this all the more frustrating when it comes to the everyday. my chances of being created are far less than that of winning the lottery and yet i sit here typing 19 plus years after my creation and i have not won the lottery. i suppose i will keep playing and just keep moving.

tim.

difference.

that will come to my mind dreaming.

my great aunt died a few days ago now. she lived to see horses turn to cars turn to space shuttles. all i can say is that i hope my life is as boss as that. so far i have lived to see the u.s. invade iraq, the world of information be put into a metaphorical digital web, invade afghanistan, google show search engines whats up, invade iraq again, two towers that everyone thought were ugly blow up, a black president, and jannet jackson's right breast. of course the importance of those starts at the end and moves backwards. its been a good twenty years, but i must admit, i think the people of my time are lacking. where are the flying cars? where is the world peace? and where is the left breast?

i guess my point to all of this is what difference did you make or are you making? we live a short time and that might be all we get so we better make it count. it would be best to get up now. time is much shorter than you could ever imagine and it is just by luck that we keep moving.

tim.

things more important than they really are.

cluttering up my inventory with things i dont know.

dont be full of shit and talk to me. i met someone today that has started from the ground is now just reaching the place where he is worth something. then he sees me and realizes that i havent quite gotten to my worth-full place yet. he thinks he is smart as he sneers at me from across the table, but i know the everything that he has in his mind. his idea of importance compared to those around him. his ideas of value. his first feeling of success in a long line of failures and mild conclusions. while he thinks he is getting one up he is only secretly failing. a secret unbeknownst to himself until a later date. but i let him have his moment. he looked like he needed it. as much as it kills me to think of him smiling as i walked away after his accomplishment of nothing i let it go. i dont know why. it is a secret unbeknownst to me only to reveal itself in the grand scheme of things at a later date. life is full of times like that. i still want to slap him upside the head and ask why if he can move, why he doesnt. maybe then he would see a profound and life changing side of himself to add meaning to the words he was speaking. that maybe he has life inside of him, not just a facade that squirms its way out in an awful and painful manner every day. twice a day.

so dont. dont talk to me if you are full of shit. id rather not hear it from you. i could talk to myself about things more important than they really are and i dont have to see you to do it. add worth to what you say or dont say it at all. this is always what keeps me looking for something in everything i say, do, act, think, live and yet even i havent found it. so i keep moving.

tim.

i wish you would see it as it was.

all my troubles and my justice fades on such cold steel.

i found this picture of us. do you remember that? it was one of those grand old road trips we took. through our father's double reflex top down camera (i think it was his father's) he shot the happiness of the delusional. fitting that it was below the oldest magnolia in bay st louis named the friendship tree and now that tree is gone. if you want us to be somewhere make it there. make it where we were both happy. were it was fun. if you arent aiming for that, i dont want any part of that.

i always thought that you could handle it. the truth. when i was little i looked up to you for everything. i supposed you must have been doing something great for them to give you everything. i guess the fact of the matter is that you never really know someone who shares your blood. they are always a little bit out of reach because they know a little too much about you. they cant let you in if you are already in the living room. see, its impossible. sometimes i see your eyes. i can see they are open and i want to grab them and pull them open. i wish you would see it as it was. i know this is just another passing stage that will ultimately tear you apart as any other. can you not see that i ran like hell and rolled to put out the fire? smoothing it out with oil just makes it hotter. besides that you just swam in gasoline. youre doomed either way. i think it was sometime back that i knew you were going to do it. i told you dinner was ready and you stopped. you came down and ate and you werent even there. i changed your fate and you owe me, but i wont tell you that ever. you will never know the truth behind it all because its the one thing i dont have the balls to tell you. youll just have to sit and realize it all for yourself. and when you fall off that pedestal of knowledge you will be next to me doomed to repeat the cycle over and over again. as much as it pisses me off to no end, ill be there for you. for every damn stage. you better die before me one day though, because if you live longer ill blame you for years lost. frustrating me always, yet i always keep moving.

tim.

tedium tearing.

thats what you remember its hard to let go.

life is so depressing as we see it. its all the same every day over and over again. looking at what i have to do and what i want to do i realize that there will never be enough time for both and the 'have-tos' will always come first. then its no time for things i want to do. everyday its a little bit off of that free time. why do we do it? why do we live day in and out looking for some meaning when there is so much meaning right in front of us. it is the moments that i realize the things i want i already have, and the things i need are the things i love anyways. this makes the tedium tear away and makes me feel a little bit better about this day, tomorrow, and the last. open your eyes and see what you have. as always, keep moving.

tim.

cancelation.

anywhere feels like home.

i cant believe the things i do just to get by. i cant see the ends to the means. i cant understand the times ive tried to fix it. i cant get to where i am supposed to be. i cant see what i want to. i cant think about it all too much.

if i miss you am i wrong? can i understand the real reasons for how we have transpired? not loss. i dont know what it is. i think it is a sense of sadness felt without the presence of you. i think that the song is on pause and id rather it be playing. i know that might not make sense. but i hope it does because i want to be understood so badly. its that simple harmonica droll that pulls me in. the piano isnt bad either. then comes the percussion and im sold. im sold. im sold. repetition is necessary. its part of who you are. you cant let them get to you. you are better than what they say and you are better than what you give yourself credit for. you are better. i am trying to see it that way for you but i am me and you are you. lets try it again. you are better than i ever could have imagined. you are better than anyone i could have imagined. dont understand it. just be it. deep i know.

i miss you. but if its any cancelation i love you. im surprised you are still reading. i cant focus now and so as i type the text keeps moving.

tim.