theres no one there but me.

do you want to see the place where i am free? 

in my mind i need it but youre nowhere near to me.

the smell of fall in the air. she is driving me downtown. i have no idea what i am doing and she knows that but i have yet to learn. my naiveté is on me worse than the shirt i am wearing. she does not care for me. i think i know that, but truth is i have never had it so i have no idea. i am going places now that i always dreamed of. i am going places that i do not even know. the next 60 days will forever change my life. it will make the fall depressing. it will make those certain blurred images the blackness of my soul. she will bring out all in me that i never thought existed. the good and the bad. for that i can not be angry towards her. she is only living her life and i am living mine. she needs something and i need something different. we are just trying to exist.

everything has changed since then. i am not the person i thought i would be. it is not a bad thing. in most cases it is better. when i was young i thought i could make everything better. i thought that no matter what was in the world that troubled, i could work hard and make it better. i think a lot of people never stop believing that in their mind.

autumn leaves of red and gold streaked across the sky like meteors in the dead of night. it was not raining, but it might as well have been. i was breaking my rules and the rules before me. i was doing things i never dreamt of. i was living. i had done it. i had escaped from the cycle that doomed my future.

ever since then i have gotten the hell out. i have lived every day. trying to make the best of my life in anyway that i can. and it it good. it is what those hopeful and optimistic people always say to do when you are at a church or something. the only thing they do not tell you is that if you see it all in a positive light, then every single person you know will be in a negative one. the people you used to like will turn away. the friends you had will close their eyes. when you have no one else, your loved ones will turn on you. they will give you every reason for negativity. thats when its hardest. thats when you are tested. you know you have no one. that is when you close your eyes and know that the day has just begun and it is all up to you to keep moving.

tim.