things i need to do.

i tremble, theyre gonna eat me alive.

mixed up feelings today. good and bad. i miss certain things and people. i want to be in a few different places at once and its hard to say which will be which. theres a point i got somewhere in my life when i realized it was far too complicated and far too complicated to even begin to uncomplicate. i think that moment came somewhere around the time that i realized i didnt have enough time in the day to do the things i needed to do. i find day by day that the time becomes filled with things i need to do and only a few slots remain for things i want to do. now is the time in my life where i solidify the rest of it and set out a few heres and theres of things i want to do and fill the rest with necessities. ready to get back to work and ready to keep moving.

tim.

make sure as hell.

i meant every word. theyre just fucking words.

as i watched tv tonight i saw the old man (ben stillers father) say 'take it from me love should be easy, when you have it you will know. but what do i know? ive only been at it for 65 years now.' i like that. ive heard people say it before but i have ignored it and sort of let it go over me like all those little cliches 'sticks and stones may etc.' but its true. it should be easy. you shouldnt have to try. it should come to you and her (or him). i mean if there is anything in your life that is easy it should be love. im pretty sure its what we are meant to do.

my minds been in the past for a few days now. we all have those past relationships and loves and its crazy how when you are there and in them you love them like none other and then its gone and you think love will never come again. that youll never get that feeling in your heart again and before you know it you start all over again. when do you know when to stop? when do you know you have had enough of the new feelings and the searching and youre ready to lay your head down? you should think about these things. to my significant other out there i am not saying i am searching still. im simply saying for others to make sure, make sure as hell that they are getting what they want in life.

please please please make sure as hell and then keep moving.

tim.

necessary adaptation.

who says i cant be free from all of the things i used to be?

its been a long couple of weeks. or months now i guess. everything rushed through so fast i think i just zoned out. its necessary to zone out sometimes. it lets all those little things slide right past you. all those harsh words and misunderstandings. you do lose some. the good stuff that is. all those little words that make you laugh or smile in the day. theres a lot of those for me. more so than most people i would say. i giggle inside to myself and it helps me through the rough times. gets me in trouble sometimes too. probably shouldnt laugh at the things that are sad. some say it is a coping mechanism. i say its a necessary adaptation to our world. one that makes it a little brighter.

i was thinking about being in middle school and how much i thought it mattered. then i thought about high school and how serious all of that was. the relationships. the friends. the people. the places. how insignificant all of those things really are. none of it mattered at all now. im not that person anymore. im better for all of it. but im ashamed the things ive done the places ive gone and the people ive hurt. we all have a past though. there are no rules to life. ive tried a lot of styles, but the only way to live your life is the way that you are how you want to be. dont judge others for being sad, happy, hurt or glad. do what you want to be, be who you want to be and keep moving because regardless everything else keeps moving.

tim.

not a bad busy.

we say no, cause i live my life like a burning man.

i know to those of you who actually read this that i havent been writing too much these days. its sad i know. life has been busy to say the least. not a bad busy though. i must say thank you for that. i have been doing school, work, and mixing some fun in there too. i just keep sitting in amazement though to look at the time and the past few weeks and wonder where it all goes. i mean i can see where it has all been and what i was doing and when but it just amazes me that it all flies by so quickly. i wonder then if all of the rest of my life will be like this? when your younger they say enjoy it while it lasts because it only gets worse and the time flies by. now time is flying by but its about the same not worse. im 20 now. i havent even taken that all in. i look at it and it is like i am moving so fast i should be on fire, breaking through sheets of glass that are the tasks of my everyday.

well i am going to sleep now. one thing they never say is that when you get older you dont get to sleep.

oh and fuck the 'bicycle link'. those shit-tards broke my bike and charged me for it.

so take all that and keep moving.

tim.

streaks of proverbial fire.

theres no point trying to change it.

a feeling of disachievement. thats what i have at the end of a long weekend when not much happened academically. it was my birthday and a party happened and not much past that. the usual criminals (not suspects, we know theyre all guilty) and even some new ones which was nice. the end of it all i look back and there were only a few times remembered and the rest flew by. thats what fall will do. we dont fall we just forget. it all blends together and you end up with this colorful image. its looking out the passenger window. the sky is grayish blue. the leaves are orange, red, yellow, on fire. the grass is bright green like it is in the fall after the first few leaves hit the floor. it all blends together into streaks of proverbial fire and you - you dont even know whats in store. i am gone and youre still there and things havent started yet, but they are about to. and oh if i could go back and change it now i would, but that is disachievement. and so your heart falls to the floor where i left it. i think its still there today, along with a little edge of my smile. every bad weighs a little on my smile but its still up and i keep moving. please, you keep moving.

tim.

she would draw shapes.

oh and what a difference it would make.

fall time always makes me smile a soft smile of happiness. when i was young i related it to halloween and all of the fun associated with it. now that i am slightly older i think about the fall i got my drivers license and was allowed some freedom. i remember getting a job and loving to go to work. to be able to do something on my own for my own good was a great feeling. i specifically remember driving around the blind curve of my high school, on the back side. the fall leaves orange and red. i would take this path after school every day, going down to the science rooms on the other side and the small parking lot there. the girl i was dating at the time would ride with me sometimes and we would sit and talk in the car before i went into science club (i know...). i remember that fall was cooler than others and the windows would fog up from our breath condensing on them. she would draw shapes and faces and little hearts with her finger on the glass. when i drove my brothers car this summer i looked up and saw through the reflection on the sunroof there was still a little heart faintly apparent on the glass from so long ago. literally lifetimes have passed now. i am someone completely different, but i can not deny the person i was then. i will always remember fall days and the feelings i have on them. tree lightings and all in the downtown square. pictures of campus, orange red and just a hint of green. there isnt a thing that pushes me away. i always keep moving. and so should you. best regards.

tim.

if they did remember.

ive always been intrigued by stockholm syndrome

reminds me of my childhood

i miss certain memories that i have forgotten. parts of my younger years that i thought were the best in the world. you know how the smallest simplest things can really change your life when youre little? i miss those, mainly because i forgot them. hmm. i think a lot of people forgot them. if they did remember maybe the world would be a little bit better, maybe not though. i dont know. keep moving.

tim.

to have a wonderful day.

when you think about your life.

you dont know where it goes or how it will end. its not really something you think about from day to day or even in your life. i just thought today that today would be an alright last day. i mean it wasnt perfect. nothing really happened, but i would say that a good 90% of the day i had if not a smile on my face, a smile on my mind. today was a good day and i wouldnt mind if it was my last. of course, dont in anyway think that i am ready to die or suicidal or anything extreme. i am just saying that it was a good day and you always have to wonder those things; dont take it for granted. i think the more you wonder the more chance you will have to have a wonderful day. maybe not the days you smile on the outside, but the days you smile on the inside. after all it is happiness that makes us keep moving.

tim.

outside of the 2-3.

this little world needs not much more to be a completely perfect world.

public speaking. its a class im taking right now. one of the many foundation and or general study courses i must complete at scad, but one of the few of those courses still remaining on my list of to dos. an established fact is that the number one fear of people is public speaking.

i rode my bike to class today (and bare with me this does connect) and i arrived early so i went and sat in the square at the end of bay street and though about what makes me fear public speaking. it is not the speaking or the watchful eyes of the audience. it is the making a fool of myself that terrifies me. a snowball of sorts. i may forget my line, my lip will tremble i turn bright red i shake so much my voice reverberates as it escapes me. then in the moment the perception of myself in the eyes of others has changed forever. i fear this most because i fear this most in anything whether in front of people or just simply in class. i panic easily and while most of the time i can hide it, it does escape and those closest to me know that. but my point to all of this is that people do not fear speaking. people fear their own greatest fears inside of them. they fear that they may be an outcast or not accepted by the vast majority of the population. the truth is, outside of the 2-3 people you hold closest no one cares. yes i still remember the girl who cried during every speech and i remember feeling for her and feeling nothing else. i forgot who she was and cant remember her name now and everything she feared is long gone from that time. who needs the rest of the world when you have the ones around you? i mean we were only born with two hands so find a couple friends and keep moving.

tim.

for the simplest thing-happiness.

sends the autos swerving, into the loneliest evening.

i sometimes wonder what could have been. so many moments in your life there is a fork in the road and the simplest decision can make all the difference.

i dreamt last night of a friend of mine who passed away about a year ago now. she had made a series of poor decisions that led her down the wrong road before ultimately coming to a good place and finding herself in something she loved. i remember the last conversation i had with her in high school. she said it wasnt fair that some people have it all and others get nothing. she wasnt the most well off individual, and i thought it unfair that she struggled so much with money just to get by day to day with her family. now i realize though that it wasnt about money at all. it never was. she just wanted the life with two parents and a sibling and a half and the little dog and happy holidays, you know the whole nine yards. she wanted for the simplest thing-happiness. i remember her looking out the ceramics window saying 'i just dont want to be lonely anymore.' then like the leaf falling from a glowing maple tree in autumn, she floating slowly, and peacefully to the ground alone. she was gone and only a few souls noticed her as she left this place. i hope she is happy their now.

i wonder if all of these little decisions matter as much as i think they do. small sections in time changing the outcome of your entire life. i wonder if it all really matters at all. are we destined to live or not live the lives we are given? is there some plan for us to fade in slowly and fade out however it is decided for us? i hope what i do today and tomorrow makes a difference not only that day but the day after that and maybe even a few lifetimes from now. until then ill keep hoping and ill keep moving.

tim.

been going so well.

your voice is smoking.

last day of august and this is the last night at home. i have been thinking a lot today about the last time i left home and honestly i always get a little sad. i liken the feelings to a form of stockholm syndrome. a sort of, 'ive been here so long ive grown attached to it and now ill miss it.' its bad and pathetic i know. when i look back now at this summer though i really did have an alright time and while to most that may not sound like an awesome compliment to my home, but for those who know me you know this is a step up from my usual wording of home. as i look around at the changes i have caused this summer i think about the nights with my brother, the meals we had as a family, the early morning rush for work, the everyday routine. it isnt one particular thing about this place, rather it is just being in it. despite all of this i am anxious to leave. my experience has been and i will always be, that the night before the travel is always the longest and i really cant wait for this one to end. this year is the beginning of many great events of my life and the continuation of those that have been going so well. i am ready to start it all up again and keep moving.

tim.

70 to 100 years.

we were good in the beginning.

riddle me this. why is it that when there are republicans leading both the house and the senate no one complains, but when democrats take it over there is outrageous protest? the fact is, the government sways back and forth every decade. we want change, we get change, we get too much change, we change again. over and over since the very first elections in the winter of 1789. every ten years it is the same. i think if people would pay attention to the issues and not the party there would be less strife. the problem is when we get so wrapped up in the idea that a party is bad because of one issue or this or that. the woman down the street said she hated obama. i asked why. she said because he was a democrat and democrats believe in abortion. chances are, obama doesnt even believe in abortion, but thats just speculation on my part. chances are most of the politicians over the last 100 years only believed in 70% of what they said or signed. why is it that honesty and true virtues mean nothing anymore? can people really not be themselves and win an election?

and heres something else... in 70 to 100 years will we look back and say that the people of this time were absurd? i mean look a few years back and you have people being put to death for fear they were communists. the only reason cocaine is illegal now is because a few senators in the south came to the conclusion that black people became enraged by it and attacked white women. people thought that was true and voted on a bill to make it so. what the fuck. step back and look at the bigger picture. when you get it you get it so just keep moving.

tim.

ramble on.

youve got to get yourself together.

well, for the few of you that read my blog from time to time i apologize that it is sometimes depressing. i also apologize that there are parts that ramble on. put simply these are my thoughts unchanged and unedited so sometimes you go from point a skip points b through g and end up on point m. its just the way it is. sorry.

i also apologize for being uncreative as of late. i have had a creativity block being home. it seems that it stifles all life and allows for no useful thought. im sure we all think of our parents homes that way though. anyways my only point to all of this is that is important to take time to yourself everyday (and i know that wasnt how this started but bare with me) to collect your thoughts in order to remain you. too many people go with the flow and while that may be in your best interest most of the time, it can result in sad frowny faced people wandering the earth because they forgot who they were. most importantly you should avoid at all costs getting stuck in a moment (with no easy way out of it) and keep moving.

tim.

childhoods flee.

when you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun.

sometimes i wish that i had something interesting to say or a piece of art to display that might inspire a few, but unfortunately i do not. i dont really ever have anything that could sway the emotions of any person anywhere, but i do like to dream sometimes.

i was walking today and listening to music. its amazing how different the scenery is with just a simple track to play in the background. jose gonzales graced my ears with the song heartbeats as i watched from the corner of my eye the six and seven year olds play football. it is a damn shame that our childhoods flee from us so quickly. we are so imaginative and happy when we are little. some say it is the innocence but i like to think that it is that human beings are naturally happy people and it is this world that has developed around us that has made us so very unhappy. i mean think about your life and tell me there is one thing that you do when interacting with the world that makes you happy. i have my little world, my family, my girlfriend, my few close friends, my dog, and the street that i live on. but i mean the greater world. the one we go out into everyday to sell our soul piece by piece for a little bit of money. whens the last time it made you happy? if we as humans arent happy with the world we created then why have we created it? maybe its just me, but i like to say fuck sadness and keep moving.

tim.

wise beyond my years.

dally used to come for me.

a sad realization came to me the past few days. while growing up i came across people which i thought to be influential in my life. they changed the way i looked at the world and are very responsible for the way that i am today. when i met them i thought they were wise beyond my years. now i see them for who they really are and i am sad to say that many i have outgrown. seeing them now how they were five years ago, seeing myself how i am five years later. well i suppose that role models are all just rungs on the ladder and if we want to move up we grab them and keep moving.

tim.

hysterical hypocrisy.

counting all different ideas drifting away.

i did not know that it could be possible to be traumatized emotionally to the point that you go blind. they call it hysterical blindness. i think i would like to feel that once just to see how it felt to not be able to see. just not for too long.

problems this summer have been similar to blindness but are more figurative. really they arent my problems, but i still have to face the effects of the condition. i call it hysterical hypocrisy. see something happened and he must have been traumatized by it. you know that feeling you get when you are in a car wreck or you trip up the stairs in front of the person you have a crush on? well im thinking something like that, but times ten. shortly after the incident you are always trying to find a reason for what happened. you say 'oh they didnt notice' or 'hey now, its not that bad' when you are really thinking 'oh fuck i made a fool of myself' or 'oh fuck i just ruined my car.' (at least when i have these moments the afterthought usually begins with 'oh fuck' but to each his/her own.) the fact is, bad shit happens. its unavoidable. you get into situations youd rather not. you develop negative relationships. people get the wrong impression of you. these all happen. you cant focus in on it and think that the bad is life.

i think he did this though and focused a little too much on the wrong features. now he is trying to find some awesome and all-bases-covering excuse to excuse himself for his behavior, but the further he digs into his hole. being deep in the hole now he sees where he went wrong and rather than trying to climb up out, he digs sideways making a tunnel which shields him from all that is logical. assuring himself that everything is alright he gives advice to those not wanting any. he becomes a hypocrite. not only that, but one that does so because of a root problem that began with a traumatic event and snowballed from there. this is why i name it hysterical hypocrisy.

long story i know, but one that i truly saw every day this summer. save yourself the trouble and dont dig a hole to fix a bump in the road, just keep moving.

tim.

it is what it is.

got me in a haze running for cover.

it is what it is. you can worry about it but it will be the way it was going to be wether you worry or not so you might as well sit back and let it happen.

but sometimes its just hard to keep moving.

tim.

theyll get it eventually.

i believe they say, if everything were every day; it wouldnt make them go away.

i dont mean to be so ignorant. its just that sometimes it comes out. all i am ever striving for in life is good intentions. i want the best for myself, but most importantly those around me. i try my hardest to make life comfortable for everyone. what absolutely kills me is the accidentals that have plagued my social sphere for years. things that are not intentional, rather they happen and change the view of myself in others eyes. this evening was a perfect example of that. through a series of simple mistakes i made, i happened to create a wonderful distrust by someone in my sphere. it reminded me of the time i tried to step into an argument in 3rd grade to solve the dispute peacefully and ended up getting blamed for the whole thing. i simply wish that people would step out of their misconceptions and preconceived notions to see what is really in front of them. i am trying to do good. i have turned a leaf so many years ago now and i am trying to make things better. but somehow someone always finds the weak spot and makes it all about them. theyll get it eventually, just shrug it off and keep moving.

tim.

simplest things around me.

love is a doing word.

can one ever relax? i finish what needs dong when i look around the house then i do the things that dont need doing but i do them anyways. i grow impatient under these circumstances and displeased at the simplest things around me now. i am sure that every second of every day is filled from. wake to rest i am sure of this. i dont know why id do the things i do other than out of impatience and boredom. i grow tired now though and i wonder when i will be done with all the work i make for myself. one day, and this is a goal for life, i pray that i will wake up, rise from bed, think unto what i have done and be happy with the accomplishments, knowing that nothing else can be done in my power. thatll be the day right? right now i just miss my love, so i stay occupied and keep moving to.

tim.

i guess its about money.

i wish you make up my bed so i could make up my mind.

im sorry but i have to say something politically. well its not really a political thing, more of a personal thing that has to do with politics. senator jim demint spoke to the idea of denying the healthcare reform was to create a 'waterloo' for obama. referring to napoleon's defeat and eventual downfall at waterloo. the idea of looking past a reform and voting on a bill based on a personal attack of a political official rather than your actual feelings on the issue. hes not the only one to do this either (william kristol).

the healthcare bill isnt about destroying health insurance companies. its about monitoring them so they dont create out of hand premiums based entirely on making money for the companies. it is also aimed at giving some sort of insurance to the 47 million americans that currently have no health insurance. the government is not taking over the system and putting companies and employees out of work.

besides this, when did healthcare become about making money. doctors are one of the highest payed individuals in the world and hospitals have become more about money than saving lives. whatever happened the the spirit of the human being to help one another?

i guess its about money anymore. keep moving.

tim.

consequence is all the same.

theyll charge you with the rescue blues.

work right now is quite a predicament. loss prevention has declared the the amount of money entering and leaving the business isnt coming out right. somewhere in the range of 3000+ has disappeared. the only people capable of this are myself and 5 other people. its not me. everyone knows that too so im not worried. its not the manager because it disappeared when she was on leave. that leaves 4 others. its not the newest one because it disappeared before she got there. that leaves 3. 1 i dont like and thus hope it is her. 1 i like and feel bad for. 1 i think is really trying and while i dont necessarily agree with her lifestyle i have to agree that she is doing the best she can for her children. i would like it to come out as an accounting error but i really dont think it will. as i look at what i have noticed over the last 2 weeks i have a feeling its that last 1 mentioned. she didnt have a thing when she was a kid and she doesnt have anything now. her kids spend more time with their grandmother then they ever have with mom or dad. she works 2 jobs and shops the sales. a casserole will make 3 meals for the price of 1/2. she lives week to week and i think her weeks are up. its a terrible thing in life to see the ones in need fall by the wayside and the ones needless rise to the top of the sun soaked pool. there is nothing that i can do and regardless of how i feel the consequence is all the same. so i do nothing but think that everyone is fighting a hard battle and no battle has a victor. thus i watch and wait and keep moving.

tim.

what i would write.

if only you believe like i believe, we'd get by

so there is this girl that is always on my mind. i try to write her a message every night but some nights i just can not find the words to say what it is i am trying to say. being that it is summer now i am away from her and i will tell you it is an awful feeling to wake up away from the one you love. but distance has a way of giving you a beautiful perspective on love. as i sat and thought tonight of what i would write i thought of a friend of mine separated by distance from his love of two years and how it tore them apart. distance can do that. it is as a burst of air rushing through a canyon and love is the flame. wind extinguishes a candle, yet fire is fanned. i thought what a wonderful analogy of distance and love, if only it had not already been created. as plato says 'at the touch of love everyone becomes a poet' such is life. keep moving.

tim.

383.2 miles and 7 days.

stay frosty.

last week we took our first car ride together in over a month. that month seems to have flown by now that i look back. halfway through summer now. schools coming up again much to the dislike of myself. i wish that i was done with school now. i think that is a sophomore mentality. you see your first class graduate and you hear about how wonderful their lives are and the places they are going. it makes you overly anxious about the life that is to come. i just want to get started on making a name for myself and seeing where i can go.

most important to me now is getting to her. i can hold her and i can love her but it is only for a moment and then reality strikes and i have to let her go back to her family. i want the family she goes back to to be our family and i want that family now. the last seven days made up for the 900 or so alright and bad days that have been in my life. from our first car ride to unloading her bags we went 383.2 miles together and i loved every inch of it. i am sad to see the good moments pass, but i am happy that i have cherished every second available to us. i guess thats what i learned this week more than anything. that you have always got to be ready to take life in; expect the unexpected, and remember every moment. because you never know when the happiest moment of your life will come upon you, and you definitely want it to keep moving.

tim.

kings born to freedom to tell others they are not free.

its alpha and omegas kingdom come.

had a political debate recently. got to thinking. what to do when i no longer believe in the politics taking our country. i can not imagine i am the only one and i do not pretend to be the first in history. i just wonder what happened to the way we all were (not in the shitty barbara striesand sense at all).

fourth of july is coming up soon. it will be the 230+ something anniversary of the founding of our country. we all started pretty fucked up. to think that the ideas we based our country on were a set of laws we thought to be just by our standards which directly defied that of our current owners/leaders. now we believe we are righteous and superior in the world. we tell other countries how to act like us. we tell iraq it is better to have a democracy. we offer comments on iran's state of affairs. who gave us powers? looking back at history it is my fathers fathers fathers (etc) who fought for freedom from tyranny and from the kings of so many countries. those kings born to freedom to tell others they are not free. they never knew another life than the kingdom they ruled. they did because they had done. how are we different now? what is to say that a king is an awful thing? whats to say that a democracy is a good thing? i just find it hard to live in a country now that was founded on the idea of escaping political and religious oppression now telling other countries how to rule and what is the superior form of government.

greater than the bills passed here and there, and the party lines, we need to wake up. we are turning into our father countries. the abused child abusing his children.

when i think sometimes i think that it may be nice to live in a country that is fine with being average. i think it must be nice to not worry about the poor everyday decisions being made by a group of men and women not elected by the vast majority. i think we are falling apart and we have been for quite some time now.

keep moving.

tim.

someone cares.

as we speak cruel time is fleeing, believe as little as possible in the morrow.

granted we can not live every day as if we would die tomorrow, but its nice to feel that way every once in a while.

i was skimming the paper the other day and as i often do, read the obituaries to make sure no one i know has passed. someone once told me that once you reach 15 you die off one by one. i thought it cynical at the time, but i now know it is true. since i was about 13 or so, there has been someone i know die just about every year. the most recent though was one that hit me a little bit harder than most.

when i was a junior in high school i took a ceramics class. i sat alone at the table because everyone else in the class was a freshmen. on the second day, a little girl with severe down syndrome decided to sit next to me and her guide for that class then followed. the little girl was barely interpreted in speech and was truly a challenge to communicate with. this compounded by the girl's lack of judgement made the whole ordeal a bit frustrating at times. i was never really bothered by it though and thus never complained. i always find the mentally disable fascinating as their minds have not been broken by culture. the girl's guide was a young girl with a small build. she was not blessed with the best of looks but by no means was ugly. she talked with me a few times and complimented me on my patience. i did not learn much about her, except that she wanted to be a teacher and was planning on going to school at the community college because she did not have enough money to go to iu. she worked 3 jobs since freshman year and hadnt spent a cent. life kept giving her rotten apples as her mother had 3 different boyfriends throughout the year and thus she was moving constantly, yet she always had a sunny disposition. on may 4th of 2009, she was driving home from classes and a drunk driver crossed the mid line killing her on impact. no one even told me. she passed from the world and no hoopla was made. no one mourned beyond belief and now life continues to move on. if i could have a moment with her now, i would tell her to live for a day. to throw all of her worries out the window and have fun. i would tell her that life is too short to slave away. but most importantly i would tell her that someone cares.

i am left with my self at the end of the day and while i put off telling her that someone cared she passed away. there are only so many days on the earth. do not put off today and say it will do tomorrow. there may not be that chance.

always keep moving.

tim.

shadows.

cut out the uniforms and settle with the sun.

the majority of the last few days can be summed up as follows: a lot of things happened, a few of which were important, most of which led me around in a circle that ended up here.

life is so very very stressful even when nothing of importance is really happening. it becomes so easy to put into your mind that things are coming up and you have to be ready for them or that a deadline is there and it is looming. i more than anyone am an aficionado of time. i just get so caught up in it sometimes that i forget what i am really worried about in the first place. is it the time that is always ticking on? or is it the job i am trying to do? lately i have let it all get the better of me. we are really not important in the grand scheme of things. our time here is but a second in the life of the world. to quote, we are but shadows and dust. it is not the moments that i finished my job on time that matters. it is how i lived my life. i have to remind myself every day that i am not as important as i make myself out to be. it is only when you let go of this notion that you can truly live without bounds. money is not something to worry about. time should not be the focus of my energy. and i should never forget to keep moving forward.

tim.

capture, freeze, reproduce (photography).

was an honest man asked me for the phone, tried to take control.

i wonder everyday what i am going to do the rest of my life. for someone under 25 to know what they are going to do is a joke. everyone in this country makes such a big deal out of what job you have or what profession you take up. from the moment you enter school here it is a matter of if you are in the advanced class or the normal (slow) class. every test you take even in elementary school the teachers make sure they get your hearts pounding and the idea that if you miss more than 20% of the questions you will lead a mediocre life at best with no hope of advancement from your lowly caste. schools rate you in numbers. they call the highest one the best (valedictorian) and the lowest one gets to clean the school or some other wonderful institution for the extent of his/her days. its great isnt it? i mean i feel anxious just thinking about it all and i have already gone through the worst parts of it. the best part about the whole thing, is that i did wonderfully in school. i wasnt the best but i made sure to cross every t and dot every i (especially since those are the first two letters of my name) and i did every extra credit or opportunity that was available. the best and most wonderful part of all of that is that i didnt learn from any of that what i wanted to do with the rest of my life. think of all of the years and money invested in all of that. not a waste, but not very successful id say.

after all of that the most influential part in my life would be a 6 dollar slr from goodwill when i was in 4th grade. it wasnt the best, but it did what it was made for. capturing reflected light, freezing it and reproducing it (sounds much cooler than photographer). 6 dollars and one afternoon and i was sold. now i go to school for it and surprise, its not as cut and dry as that. to be successful you have to pick a good minor and focused major in a field of photo. then you have to take the right professors. youve got to figure this all out quickly or youll be late and out of the loop then its all downhill. right now the only part ive really truly got down is photo. the rest will work its way out i suppose.

the point of all of this though is the rest of my life and im not sure what i want to do with it. someone once told me that they werent sure about a lot of things, but the one thing they were sure of was that they wanted to be a mom. and she has it there. life isnt about what you spend your days doing or how much money you make or what you drive. its not about the job you start with the job you work or the job you end with. life is about getting back what you put into it and the only thing that is a sure fire truth to that is life. now im not sure what i want to do in life but there is one thing i am positive i want, and that is to be a husband to that girl and a father to our children.

all this i want, thus, i keep moving.

tim.

home that i dream.

two years, two hundred sixty four days, and this morning.

to say that i am at an odd point in my life would be an understatement. to say that i was not wishing for a home would be a lie. my idea changes from day to day, the home that i wish for and the home that i dream of. i used to think of glorious things and beautiful places, and now i want nothing more than the people dream with, and wish for. to hope and dream is one thing, but to live is quite another. the world lacks a home for its people. turmoil, terror, and sadness overwhelm the vagabonds. when will they be home. when will we all be home.

i see my home, it is only a matter of reaching her. find yours as i have found mine. keep moving to it.

tim.

we will fight ours.

did you ever think someones trickin you?

today (and yesterday and everyday from here on out) mccain criticized the president for not taking a more firm action on the rising turmoil in pakistan. obama is taking a neutral political approach and applauded the pakistani's rights to provide a peaceful protest to the government. just as any person or group of people is aloud to protest in the united states.

where did the sense of overwhelming right and power in people come from? why is it that some people think that it is our job to take care of the rest of the world. pakistan in no way shape or form is affected by actions of the us that would lead them to the position they are in now. it is not the united state's job to monitor and protect other countries. i can not imagine if mccain had won the election. would we be charging head strong into pakistan to quell revolutionary spirits now? ('liberating them') countries are allowed to have inner turmoil and it is not our responsibility to change that. our responsibility is to focus on our country. lets put money into the schools, hospitals, fire/police stations, roads, alternative energy, and homeless. let us create government jobs for the people by improving our infrastructure. let us do something with what we have to improve what we have and stop pouring our money into the middle east. every time you fill up, another novelty shaped island is man made in abu dabi. another joke is placed at our expense. yes alternative fuel is expensive, but now so is gasoline, and if we had spent 2 trillion on updating our infrastructure we could be through all of the crisis now.

the base root of it all is that the people of the mideast will always fight. they have since the beginning of our history for one reason or another. let them fight their war and we will fight ours. lets keep moving.

tim.

luck(ie).

dont write yourself off yet.

the clarinets blasting late into the night as i sit and wait. i wait for someone or something to strike me and add a reason for the existence of life in me. i look for meaning in every action i take and i find no answer clearer than the next. for this i am always questioning what it is that makes it all work. why is it that everything in the world and in the galaxy and universe can all click cohesively. to imagine the chance of the bodies of dirt and matter collecting and then creating worlds that orbit around glowing bodies of energy and on at least one the circumstances came together and happened to lead to the creation of life one of which rising above the rest and making our world around us. the chance of all of that happening seems so insignificant that i consider myself lucky to be here. however i find this all the more frustrating when it comes to the everyday. my chances of being created are far less than that of winning the lottery and yet i sit here typing 19 plus years after my creation and i have not won the lottery. i suppose i will keep playing and just keep moving.

tim.

difference.

that will come to my mind dreaming.

my great aunt died a few days ago now. she lived to see horses turn to cars turn to space shuttles. all i can say is that i hope my life is as boss as that. so far i have lived to see the u.s. invade iraq, the world of information be put into a metaphorical digital web, invade afghanistan, google show search engines whats up, invade iraq again, two towers that everyone thought were ugly blow up, a black president, and jannet jackson's right breast. of course the importance of those starts at the end and moves backwards. its been a good twenty years, but i must admit, i think the people of my time are lacking. where are the flying cars? where is the world peace? and where is the left breast?

i guess my point to all of this is what difference did you make or are you making? we live a short time and that might be all we get so we better make it count. it would be best to get up now. time is much shorter than you could ever imagine and it is just by luck that we keep moving.

tim.

things more important than they really are.

cluttering up my inventory with things i dont know.

dont be full of shit and talk to me. i met someone today that has started from the ground is now just reaching the place where he is worth something. then he sees me and realizes that i havent quite gotten to my worth-full place yet. he thinks he is smart as he sneers at me from across the table, but i know the everything that he has in his mind. his idea of importance compared to those around him. his ideas of value. his first feeling of success in a long line of failures and mild conclusions. while he thinks he is getting one up he is only secretly failing. a secret unbeknownst to himself until a later date. but i let him have his moment. he looked like he needed it. as much as it kills me to think of him smiling as i walked away after his accomplishment of nothing i let it go. i dont know why. it is a secret unbeknownst to me only to reveal itself in the grand scheme of things at a later date. life is full of times like that. i still want to slap him upside the head and ask why if he can move, why he doesnt. maybe then he would see a profound and life changing side of himself to add meaning to the words he was speaking. that maybe he has life inside of him, not just a facade that squirms its way out in an awful and painful manner every day. twice a day.

so dont. dont talk to me if you are full of shit. id rather not hear it from you. i could talk to myself about things more important than they really are and i dont have to see you to do it. add worth to what you say or dont say it at all. this is always what keeps me looking for something in everything i say, do, act, think, live and yet even i havent found it. so i keep moving.

tim.

i wish you would see it as it was.

all my troubles and my justice fades on such cold steel.

i found this picture of us. do you remember that? it was one of those grand old road trips we took. through our father's double reflex top down camera (i think it was his father's) he shot the happiness of the delusional. fitting that it was below the oldest magnolia in bay st louis named the friendship tree and now that tree is gone. if you want us to be somewhere make it there. make it where we were both happy. were it was fun. if you arent aiming for that, i dont want any part of that.

i always thought that you could handle it. the truth. when i was little i looked up to you for everything. i supposed you must have been doing something great for them to give you everything. i guess the fact of the matter is that you never really know someone who shares your blood. they are always a little bit out of reach because they know a little too much about you. they cant let you in if you are already in the living room. see, its impossible. sometimes i see your eyes. i can see they are open and i want to grab them and pull them open. i wish you would see it as it was. i know this is just another passing stage that will ultimately tear you apart as any other. can you not see that i ran like hell and rolled to put out the fire? smoothing it out with oil just makes it hotter. besides that you just swam in gasoline. youre doomed either way. i think it was sometime back that i knew you were going to do it. i told you dinner was ready and you stopped. you came down and ate and you werent even there. i changed your fate and you owe me, but i wont tell you that ever. you will never know the truth behind it all because its the one thing i dont have the balls to tell you. youll just have to sit and realize it all for yourself. and when you fall off that pedestal of knowledge you will be next to me doomed to repeat the cycle over and over again. as much as it pisses me off to no end, ill be there for you. for every damn stage. you better die before me one day though, because if you live longer ill blame you for years lost. frustrating me always, yet i always keep moving.

tim.

tedium tearing.

thats what you remember its hard to let go.

life is so depressing as we see it. its all the same every day over and over again. looking at what i have to do and what i want to do i realize that there will never be enough time for both and the 'have-tos' will always come first. then its no time for things i want to do. everyday its a little bit off of that free time. why do we do it? why do we live day in and out looking for some meaning when there is so much meaning right in front of us. it is the moments that i realize the things i want i already have, and the things i need are the things i love anyways. this makes the tedium tear away and makes me feel a little bit better about this day, tomorrow, and the last. open your eyes and see what you have. as always, keep moving.

tim.

cancelation.

anywhere feels like home.

i cant believe the things i do just to get by. i cant see the ends to the means. i cant understand the times ive tried to fix it. i cant get to where i am supposed to be. i cant see what i want to. i cant think about it all too much.

if i miss you am i wrong? can i understand the real reasons for how we have transpired? not loss. i dont know what it is. i think it is a sense of sadness felt without the presence of you. i think that the song is on pause and id rather it be playing. i know that might not make sense. but i hope it does because i want to be understood so badly. its that simple harmonica droll that pulls me in. the piano isnt bad either. then comes the percussion and im sold. im sold. im sold. repetition is necessary. its part of who you are. you cant let them get to you. you are better than what they say and you are better than what you give yourself credit for. you are better. i am trying to see it that way for you but i am me and you are you. lets try it again. you are better than i ever could have imagined. you are better than anyone i could have imagined. dont understand it. just be it. deep i know.

i miss you. but if its any cancelation i love you. im surprised you are still reading. i cant focus now and so as i type the text keeps moving.

tim.

i should make a point.

a love that feels like any two should follow for the sun to shine.

the english language currently uses 171476 words. with all of these i can not write what i am trying to say. i can not describe the emotions within me. i can not put them into words on this surface. i think that typing and the computer generation takes a lot away from us. it ruins the art form of handwriting and puts everyone's word on the same plane. words are an art. the sculpting of the loop in a cursive y, or the way the cross intersects the vertical in a t. that creates a communication that is unparalleled in words itself. i go to art school now so i suppose i should make a point then to show a picture of artwork, that it may show to you what i mean to say.

i miss you, and i love you.

you are that which keeps me moving.

tim.

transparent, illusion of happiness. why?

so i wondered how she hung around this place.

tonight i watched the illusion of happiness. people put on this little show that is so transparent, it might as well be gone. i dont know why they push on if they dont even want to do it. i dont know why they try if they both know its going to end. im not involved here but i feel bad regardless. i feel like i should say something or i should do something to influence them into making the right decisions. one love is falling apart and the both of them know it. the other is a love that will fall apart in time and i dont think there is anything i could say that would make them realize what is happening. both are better than the two have been searching for. find someone that makes you happy. if they dont make you happy then why the hell are you doing it all?

let it go and keep moving.

tim.

a clean desk. an empty bed. a blank wall.

come back, the air on railroad is making the same sound.

whenever you live in a place you change your perspective a little. i think more than any one thing in the world (in our world) life's many locations influence the outcomes in a grander scale. the car wreck you watched that sent metal and glass dust flying did not even make a dent on the house your friend lived in at woods edge bend in fourth grade. and that could have been you. locations are more important to the outcome of your life than you may give them credit for.

i have been here now for only 8 months and some odd days. when i came, i knew one person who hated me. that was the loneliest 6 hours of my life. then it all changed. as if i was trying to grow a plant in a swamp and suddenly all of the water dried up but that which is most necessary for life. the flower sprouted and from it came a beautiful life that has grown ever since. now, one by one, the people around have vanished. they left before the dust even settled, and like that car wreck it did not make a dent on the life of things. 

the part that hits you. the part that tears you. well thats the space you are left with. a clean desk. an empty bed. a blank wall. where afternoons were filled with laughter and happiness there is only silence. while you wish there was more you could say about it, there is only a place. a place that influences you more than you may know right now.

it is loneliness that gets me. it is watching them leave one by one. it is ending where i started. but it is all i have. if just to keep moving.

tim.

all i can think of is the same day over and over again.

in the daylight we can hitchhike to maine.

i just want to stay here for a while. not this location. i could care less. i want to be there for a while. i am a little tired of all of this. the whole day i can not wait until its sunset. the whole night i am dying for the sunrise. i am trying to find a solid meaning in the feeling in me right now, but i can not find any good reason in me. i am conflicted in every way i could be. all i can think of is the same day over and over again. it was a good day. not a great day. it was fall. of course fall is always my favorite season when i look back, but never when i am there. it was raining though. i was taking pictures with a friend and the rain just kept coming down on me but i didnt care. i stayed out late on a weekday night and said it was for work, but i just wanted to be away for a bit. no one would have noticed if i did not come home that night. that was the best part of it all. it was the first and last time that everything would come together just right to leave no one there for me. i was a different person and from that point on i have never been that person again. now i am better.

keep moving.

tim.

so they can think it is uphill.

it rings like all through the daylight.

The end is coming and i must say i am not really surprised. I have been writing about how i want to get out of here, but the more i think about it the more i dont want to go home. i have gotten used to being away from it all and i think that i am really better for it.

something that is terrifying me is the concept of money tied to all of our happiness these days. i remember when i just didnt care. i would like to say that now i dont, but it does seem to take me over. whatever happened to not having to worry? are you really and truly not able to live the way you want in this world? the idea of unattainable has begun to slip into my mind. it was a word that i never really considered, but now i am seeing a little more of it everyday as i think about how i can live and how i want to live. i have been trying to discover what midlife crisis means and i have begun to come to the conclusion that it is the realization of the unattainable. the idea that this is as good as it gets and nothing is really going to top it so its all downhill from here. thats why people have the church. so that they can think it is going uphill. makes you a little less depressed i guess. i sort of see it the same way either way. there is no end to what we are. so is there even a word unattainable? we keep moving and we find out. never stop. keep moving.

tim.

had a dream last night.

miles and miles above and between them.

there is a truck with me in it and the sky is gray. not gray like purple overcast skies, but gray like desaturated black and white gray. the grass is purple and the trees are green. at least one thing is right. the wind blows in from the south east. its dry, but the dirt doesnt come with the wind. i wonder how long its been and how long its going to be. the rocks of the canyon walls are getting closer now. blood red and full of life. scent of pine, but only maples around. just realized im not driving and no one is, but i dont mind. it seems to be doing fine on its own. i dont think i am going anywhere. i am not really in a hurry. never really in a hurry. id just like to know where i am going.

had a dream last night and thats what it was. i looked on the webernet for a reason behind it all. the truck means an overwhelming sense of responsibility. the purple means i have begun showing undying devotion to one aspect of my life. the sky means that i have been or am beginning to be creative. the canyon is the approaching of responsibility.

What i wonder and have wondered is where is the defining line of dream and reality? to make reality one must perceive it with their mind and their senses. i am indeed perceiving the dream with senses all but touch. it was not always like that though. i never used to have dreams with color and it was only until recently that i dream of scent. is this a warning of the developments to come is what i wonder. in other words when i perceive all senses in my mind in my dreams has that become a reality? what line says that this is real and this is not. i would love so much to cross that line and tell you of it all. everything has been explored in our reality. i want something new, but most importantly i want something that is mine. this is something that has begun to become true to me. keep moving.

tim.

i have had enough for now.

spend my days in the city.

i cannot help but want to be home. maybe not home, but not here. i can only take one place for so long and i think i have had enough for now. really though lately it is not myself that has had enough. it seems that this place has had enough of me. the people, the place, the everything. i put up with it for a bit, but i am reaching my ends to it.

more than this though, my battle of late is finding validation in my work. i hate to say it but the world does not really care what you think, only what it thinks. in art you must appeal to the masses even if it means selling out and quite frankly i do not give in. i never have been a pushover and it is not what i plan on doing for the next 50 years. i wish i could concentrate and write, but i am so angry just thinking about it. i think i will wait to write what i mean for a little while because this wont end up working for the either of us. keep moving.

tim.

bar of notes suspended.

im not sleeping at night

but im going from bar to bar

why cant we just rewind

i will wonder for the rest of my life the poor decisions i have made in the past. its a funny thing though. i will never question the good decisions i made even though it is highly possible that those decisions ultimately led to bad decisions. it is a balance of sorts. life is not like a box of chocolates. heaven is like a box of chocolates; every bite is awesome regardless of what the flavor is, and you truly never know what you will get. but no, life is more like a well developed city. say ever road meets another at 90 degrees, there are parks every so often. traffic is efficient, and the skyline is not the scar of the open land, but rather a beautiful bar of notes suspended. but even this most perfect city has sewers full of shit. thats life. even the best is not perfect. and truly the best does not really exist, but i guess we will all keep trying no matter what happens. i will keep moving.

tim.

say yes and you are no better.

tell me all of your doubt.

much like many other incidents in united states history, the general populace will never know the extent to which this torture has been or is being carried out. more unfortunate is that the situation presents a formidable catch 22. i am much like those other inquisitive minds that would love to know the truth behind it all, but the satisfaction of knowing the truth is something that is not worth the outcome. to reveal the sad truth that the inner workings of our country are not beautiful is to undermine the integrity of the nation. prosecuting the high ranking political officials would be to say that our country's leaders were wrong in decisions they made so much so that they broke the laws they were put in place to represent. by popular vote (theoretically) we as the voting populace put these officials into office. then the question becomes where does responsibility begin and where does it end? are we as voters responsible for how the government acts in the eyes of the world? say yes and you are no better, say no and you are no better for not doing anything. safeguards in our system are placed to prevent the government from doing what they please. unfortunately we seem to only be interested in using these presidential checks when the president shoves something besides water into another's face. where as a society are our values? can we all go to church on sunday knowing that just a ways south a man is being made to think he is dying? osama bin laden is one of the most successful figures in modern history. he is in the middle of a so far successful initiative to destroy the united states. in 8 years he has corrupted the government and turned the minds of the citizens to confusion. the economy is destroyed and further away the money is flowing. all of this he did without a proper military. he is king of stratagem. the best thing the united states can do is to pull in, count the losses and rebuild what was lost in our country. imagine what how different life would be now if just half of the country's budget had been spent on the country. the roads, alternative energy, education, infrastructure, government works projects, monuments, jobs, and joy. instead we are left with criminal politicians, debt, a world against us, and a country over seas in shambles. as a country we need to admit our wrongdoings and give up the addiction. we need to keep moving.

tim.

i would not change a thing.

i could be around you.

i wish i could tell it to you all straight as it were. the truth is that the truth is what it is and it does not matter whether we were there or you were there. all that matters in this case is the end product, and that is us. i wonder if all decisions made had been different or all things considered we had gone separate ways, but then i see what we have and i would not change a thing. you make my every day and that needs no change. i try to explain it all to myself sometimes and as screwed up as my process of thoughts is, i always seem to get lost and find no straight line from here to there. i see where i came from, where i am, and where we are going, but i know not how it all connects.

ever little piece of us is a little piece of it all. it is the sounds from minute to minute and day to day. the sounds all come together and every minute it makes it all different. its great and it makes a wonderful symphony. take a second and listen to it. see if you can figure it out, and see if you can keep up. then keep moving.

tim.

it is not about the smile.

leave your life and ride.

it is only now that i can wake up in the morning and without comparison to others say that my life is normal. twas not to long ago that everything seemed a little mismatched (and yes i just uses twas). i have wanted all my life to be like everyone else. you know i would sit in the aftercare and see the families going away from the curb with smiles on their faces. i wanted that and i wanted to be the little one with the smile on the face. now i realize that it is not about the smile on the face or the perfect family with quotes. normalcy is something that is different to everyone and everything in the world. it takes some getting used to and it takes some finding, but once you get it, it is wonderful. i can not tell you how happy i am to wake up and realize that i am happy with the day. not that everything is perfect or balanced, but that i am happy. that is all that really matters and all that really keeps me moving. i hope it does you too.

tim.

justification for cutting down a tree to me.

got me in a haze running for cover

where we gonna go from here.

the melodies carried by a soft clarinet are the best in the world. nothing can be compared to the sound of air passing through the wooden body and out the chromed metal openings. it is justification for cutting down a tree to me.

i question whether or not i make the right decisions every day. should i go left or right? right? ok. now which foot first? i read in scientific american one time that every moment in your life creates a separate but parallel universe in which the inverse of the decision you made is being made. and for every decision thereafter it compounds. perspective of what is, completely leaves us. i want the universe i am in to be good so i worry about what decision i make now. though i suppose so many other parallels have ended in death and i am glad to have missed those. to imagine that one point in your life that has the most significant impact changing, changes everything. would i be where i am? would i know who i know? would you be reading this out there? every question has its answer in me and an alternate and a combination of the two in different ways and so on.

the best strategy i find is to listen to the clarinet. some piano. and maybe some cello if you are lucky. then sit back and let it all come to you. it is easiest to let it come to you. it is easiest to keep moving.

tim.

a little bit of respect for those that have fallen.

tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites.

we were going to the airport that afternoon. i didnt really know what for but it didnt really matter. i was happy to be out of the ordinary for once. my father was driving in his little golden honda. my brother and i in the back. it was a wonderful sight. the sun was low on the horizon yet never seemed to set. we held a sheet above our heads with the windows rolled down. i didnt hear anything but the sound of air rushing through the cabin. the overwhelming feeling of the sheet moving in and out. entertained by the sheer sight of it. no speech was necessary to enjoy it. this was one of those minutes i would give my life away just to have it back. it is one of those moments that muster up a little bit of respect for those that have fallen from the heights of my mind. i was happy. i was smiling. i was oblivious to everything else in the world. all that was important was the moment i was in. to set myself apart like that again would be heaven on earth, but once a moment has passed it may never return, and as you grow old the pins of heaven grow further and further apart on the clothesline of happiness. the same things are no longer beautiful anymore. i wonder sometimes what it is i hold onto then in these emotions and memories. do i want the happiness back that has passed? or am i simply diverting my thoughts for the moment. time will tell i suppose. for now i will listen to those old songs. i will love what i can feel. i will give it all everything. and i will keep moving, just as long as you do.

tim.

perfume on my pillows.

I need you so much closer.

It seems before all of this that things were so simple. i had my everyday routine. i had what made me happy and what didnt. i had nothing really at all. no hopes. no dreams. now i wake up and i can see where i have been. i can see where i am. and i can see where i am going. i dont worry anymore about the small stuff. it is all really trivial in the day.

my mind wanders in the day to what you may be doing now. how the light is hitting you. where your eyes may rest. how your hair may fall along your shoulders to rest on your back. i wonder where you are. i wonder why you are not with me, but then i remember it is only a matter of time. i dont think i have ever wanted to be next to another soul like this before. i cannot imagine what life would be without your touch, or the scent of your perfume on my pillows at night. it is all perfect. nothing in my life has gone so well before. i love every minute of it and i am never letting go. you are what keeps me moving.

tim.

sleep through these bad times.

in your life, you can talk about it.

i havent written in a while and i think it is starting to have a negative result on me. writing is a good therapy to me to get it all out, but even still when i finish it feels like i have just begun.

is it strange that i have been listening to music because it has harmonica in it lately? i think it is a bit strange regardless. something about that winey metallic sound seems to pull me in. its a little bit like my life. a beautiful melody from a small box with a bit of a harsh sting. i remember a long time ago when i was little and i asked an old woman if she needed help with her groceries getting them to her car. she must have though i wasnt genuine in my actions and shooed me away. i never really understood it though. i try to do something nice for someone and they take it the wrong way. misinterpretation has always been one of my struggles in life. people can never tell what i am saying or trying to say. they think im up when im down and reverse. but besides that i think people have become a little untrusting of others, a little bit more shut up. i have found this to be especially true when coming to the south. almost everyone is nice down here. its not like up north where when you stare off in a direction they think youre going to steal their baby. i miss the niceties that never really existed in my life. when the men held the door for the lady, walked on the street side of the sidewalk, pulled the chair out. I miss the people that brought pie to the door when you move into the neighborhood. what ever happened to that? how did i miss out on that good stuff? now all ive got is the internet where i can watch anything fornicate anything else.

i think maybe i will curl up and sleep until the times have changed. until then keep moving.

tim.

filled with stars.

if i told you you were right would you take my hand tonight?

i want to take a trip. im not sure were or why. i just feel closed in lately. i need to get out of this city. yes its beautiful here, but sometimes we all need a little change of scenery. i think this is the longest i have stayed in one place in several years without ever venturing out more than 20 miles. i want so desperately to get in the car and not stop. i want so badly to go until i know where i am. i need to escape it all. not forever, just for a few days. i dont think it is too much to ask nor do i think it is out of the ordinary to wish so.

do you remember what the sky looked like when the earth rotated filled with stars, the smell of pine in the air. the way the gravel felt under my feet didnt really bother me. i like it now thinking back. i remember it all and i want it all again so badly. i wont stop keep moving.

tim.

mental affliction i will take it.

do the people all just scare of you?

when it rains i seem to rush a little. i think for some reason that the rain is closing in on me and i better find a way out or it is going to get me. it is a mental affliction i suffer from along with many others. when raindrops hit your head they sink through to your brain and rain on your mind. try it sometime. it rained today.

i was thinking about it though and i started to question why i rush. i am trying to get to somewhere important to me. i have this place that i think of everyday and i just wish i could get there. i am not really sure why it is the best to me over another space in the world but it is. i thought i was ready to share but i guess i am not. i might not ever be. for now it is my spot. one day i will get there. until then i will rush around. the best remedy for missing it right now is to keep moving.

tim.

thats alright, but not by me.

now its in the alley behind your apartment with a sign that says free.

i hope you had more luck with it than me.

how i would like to say that i still care. sometimes when i hear your name in passing i wonder how you are doing, but then i turn the other way. somewhere along the way i made a terrible mistake and not one that i will likely (hopefully) ever make again. i stopped worrying about myself and i put it all on you. i worried about you day and night and i am not even sure why. you took it all and gave nothing back. you were, and are the most selfish person i will, have ever known. thats alright, but not by me. 

when i stepped out that day, it was nice. like when it snows for the first time and you think fall is officially over. the air is crisp and the sun sparkles off the snow. that is nice. i mean, i have got to say that i love the fall, but really once you are through it nothing is more depressing really. i would have to say that you are the fall of my life. damn. even that makes me mad though. you have a season of my life almost entirely to yourself.

well for now i will enjoy the spring and desperately wait for summer to come on in. watch the shadows on the ground of a large tree at noon. look at the patterns they make and think of me. not too much. i do not want you obsessed. keep moving.

tim.

it all comes back to where it started.

i was waiting over here for life to begin,

was looking for the new thing...

life is connected on a chain of unbreakable links. there are two sides that result from this. there is the side that keeps us all moving. then there is the side that will always keep us attached to what has been. every day is a new link and every link makes our life a little stronger, a little fuller, a little more complete. i would like to think that one day it all comes full circle. that maybe it all comes back together where it started and from there we all jump off to wherever it is we go. i wonder where that is everyday and yet i sit and wonder where it is i came from. i know all of the events. i know all of the happenings. i know all of the things i felt when i felt them. i know it all, but somehow i find it strange to think of where i came from and what makes me distinctly me. and then i find myself wondering if i am going the right direction, if i dont even know where it is i came from. how am i supposed to get back to where i started? maybe it will all work out. i guess in the meantime i will just keep moving.

tim.

stop wondering, start wandering.

did i sleep? cause i must have been dreaming.

did i weep? cause i cried like hell.

i wonder so many things all the time. i wonder where it is i am going in life. what is is i am doing. if i have made the right decisions. if i made a decision at all. but then i take a breath and step away from it all. thats important you know? stepping away from it all. we do not pilot our way through life. to say that we do is just a lie. you do not decide your destiny, nor is there a destiny for every one person. we are all simply wandering. we take our time on a path through the woods of life, and oh if the trees could talk.

i get frustrated sometimes because i think that i have a significant role in changing the outcome of my life and the lives around me. then i come to realize that what may happen will happen and what may not happen will happen too. i am a control freak, but the one thing i cant control is life on the whole. its terrifying, but its also kind of nice. i do not have to think about it, it just happens, and i keep moving.

tim.

at an intersection.

though ill never forget your face sometimes i cant remember my own.

do not ever forget the people that have helped you to where you are. they are small and chances are you have forgotten a lot of them. when i think back though, there are people and persons in my life that i may have only known for a little bit. a few minutes. just a little glance. but sometimes thats all it takes.  it seems strange to think about now, but i can remember just a person that was walking on the crosswalk in front of me at the intersection. they did not even know that i was looking at them, but they influenced me. maybe it was the clothes they were wearing, maybe it was just the way they carried themselves, but they influenced me nonetheless. those simple every days can change your life. you probably just do not know it at the time, but eventually you will whether you will admit it or not. as i think about it though, i hope there is someone out there who thinks about me walking in front of them or maybe sharing a smile that influenced their life. i hope that i have made an impact on the world, if only for just holding the door for someone that looked like they needed it. when i feel like i do not make a difference, it is this that makes me keep moving.

tim.

just thinking.

girl in a red dress, passes you by, a hurried deception, glean to her eye...

i wonder now what you are doing. you seem to have a hold on me. an inexplicable control of my every moment. i wish i could get free, but all the same i love it. its what i try so hard for. acid dripping into water, my reaction is always wild to you. wish it was not, but i think we both love it. where are you though? what is it that you are doing? we have come to live together and yet you are apart. explain this to me or at least give me some credit. do not overlook the importance of my heart in all of this. even when i lose my mind, it is my heart that keeps me moving.

tim.

confusing melodies without a sound.

its got me out of my head

and i dont know what i came for.

i am confused. i am lost. i am finding my way, and damn its confusing.

admission is awful. i dont mean in the sense of getting into college. i mean in admitting something to someone. without it there is no distinction between the people in our lives. we have different levels of people that we know and they know more and more about us until they are closest and then they know more about us then we do ourselves. for most people that is their family. their stone pillar. their constant in life. for me it has been no one my entire life. i guess i have never trusted another soul with my deepest thoughts. the pieces of me that scare me and the pieces that keep me settled. 

ill let you hold my heart for a minute. hold it in your hands. feel what i feel. see how i see. but know that it is my vision, not yours. i saw you tear yourself apart. i saw you let them get the better of you. i watched them pick every last piece. then i saw you collapse on the stoop in front of the door to everything you believed in. it broke my heart, but it is always mended. you cant blame yourself. you can only get back up and shake it off. you have got to get up. never give up on me. always keep moving.

tim.

tilt your head a little.

convince yourself that everything is alright,

cause it already is.

oh and what a difference it makes. i can not stress the importance to change ones scenery. either physically get up and walk down the street in the opposite direction or maybe just talk to someone you havent talked to in quite some time. i dont know how some people can live in the same town their whole lives. i want to see as much of the world as possible even if its only a few minutes away.

its funny how the mind works. you can see the same thing in a picture a million times and then you will look at it again and its all different. everything is like that. you just have to tilt your head a little (or figuratively). we accept that things are the way they are but it doesnt have to be like that anymore. we make what life is. we say time exists so it does. just believe in something wonderful and then live it. when youve had enough of that, keep moving.

tim.

happiness with a stranger.

do whatever you have to do,

to get it out and not become a reaction memory to hurt the ones you love.

to think back on the times in my life that were wonderful i am sad because if i had known that some of those times would be the best times of my life i might have savored them a little more. i may have taken a second mentally and stepped back to se all of my friends in the backseat of the car laughing about the most ridiculous things. i may have taken a moment to understand the gravity of the words that i was speaking as you stared across into my eyes that cold night so high in the sky. and yes i know that sounds like a song lyric, but i truly remember that night as that and the person i shared that moment with would feel the same. i find that the truth behind all of life; the absolute constant behind what makes life great, is happiness in any respect. to be truly happy. aside from that nothing else matters.

i have been fighting my battles and not looking at the bigger picture lately. i was thinking about good times in my life. when thinking about what i want right now and what i wanted 5 years ago i would say that in general my wants are the same. heres the kicker though, the best times of my life had nothing to do with what i wanted, they were most often a brief repose from the everyday. they were simple smiles shared with those i love. sometimes you have just got to step back and see it all. enjoy a laugh. enjoy a smile. share a moment of happiness with a stranger. above all though, make sure that whatever you are doing in life has a root of happiness somewhere in it, because life is happiness. and happiness is what makes us keep moving.

tim.

filth.

read me a letter baby.

I couldnt sleep tonight. i went for a walk to a parking garage to take in the air above the city. sometimes you have to go up high to take in something that isnt filthy. but it didnt matter how high i went, i still couldnt get rid of it.

tim.

magic soakin' my spine.

i picture you in the sun, wondering what went wrong

falling down on your knees asking for sympathy.

if i find my way how much will i find? you should be yourself, but if being yourself changes who you are should you really be yourself anymore? everyone has their problems and thats me included. i wonder now if i can fix the problems that i have. i wonder now where i went wrong and when did this happen to me. it seems not too long ago that i was sitting and feeling on top of the world with everything in the palm of my hands and now i have gone to the bottom. the only person i have to blame is myself in the end. but maybe that is a good thing. the way i see it is that the fewer variable there are in the equation the easier it is to fix (thanks algebra), and if its just me then it should be easy to come to a conclusion. and that is really what it is. it is not about fixing anything, its about figuring out what is going on and adapting to it.

i do not quite know where i am right now, but i know only time will tell what happens from here. to start from the beginning and keep moving.

tim. 

where everything will change, we'll give ourselves new names.

sometimes its just the sound of the tv that gets me always wondering why.

moments of our everyday determine the outcome of our every year and the rest of our lives. when i think back there are so many moments i would change. i would say something differently, maybe the same thing, just in a different tone. there are people i would ask to tag along. there are times that i would act differently. all these things i would change, but some things would remain the same. i would still have the passion that i have. i would still care as much as i do. i would still try in futility just to know that i had.

truth is, im tired of thinking about the past. im tired of thinking about the every moment. i just want to be free. i want to escape the everyday and go on to the rest of my life. i have always had this picture of what i want my life to be, but i just dont know how i can get it from here to there. now i sit before a blinking cursor that listens to my every command and i wonder what to do. for the first time in a long time i am at a loss. i am a person with plans. this doesnt happen to me. i have plans for backup plans for plans. i dont sit alone and wonder. it isnt me. i have no idea what i am doing now, so i guess i will rewrite. i will begin again. i will start over from the beginning. this time im not making an end plan, i am simply letting the end find itself in the now. i will not dictate time, i will let it keep moving.

tim.

can we pretend a little longer.

there is no way around it.

some time back i wrote about a friend that was subconsciously remaining oblivious to a situation and all i wanted to do is tell him to wake the fuck up and look at what he is doing; to look at the waste he is contributing to in his life. i never said a thing to him. he continues to spend his life in a distorted state. he choses to ignore the warning signs from all around him only to exist without change. it is sad, but it is what he needs right now over everything else. i am glad that i said nothing to him. i would have ruined his life. then he would have hated me.

the part about all of this that is awful is that i know that i subconsciously ignore what is present in my life. i know exactly what it is that i am ignoring, but i can not for the life of me turn and face it. i need someone to confront me. i need to hate them. i need to be better. he wants the same.

i know this is what i need to keep moving.

tim.

theres no one there but me.

do you want to see the place where i am free? 

in my mind i need it but youre nowhere near to me.

the smell of fall in the air. she is driving me downtown. i have no idea what i am doing and she knows that but i have yet to learn. my naiveté is on me worse than the shirt i am wearing. she does not care for me. i think i know that, but truth is i have never had it so i have no idea. i am going places now that i always dreamed of. i am going places that i do not even know. the next 60 days will forever change my life. it will make the fall depressing. it will make those certain blurred images the blackness of my soul. she will bring out all in me that i never thought existed. the good and the bad. for that i can not be angry towards her. she is only living her life and i am living mine. she needs something and i need something different. we are just trying to exist.

everything has changed since then. i am not the person i thought i would be. it is not a bad thing. in most cases it is better. when i was young i thought i could make everything better. i thought that no matter what was in the world that troubled, i could work hard and make it better. i think a lot of people never stop believing that in their mind.

autumn leaves of red and gold streaked across the sky like meteors in the dead of night. it was not raining, but it might as well have been. i was breaking my rules and the rules before me. i was doing things i never dreamt of. i was living. i had done it. i had escaped from the cycle that doomed my future.

ever since then i have gotten the hell out. i have lived every day. trying to make the best of my life in anyway that i can. and it it good. it is what those hopeful and optimistic people always say to do when you are at a church or something. the only thing they do not tell you is that if you see it all in a positive light, then every single person you know will be in a negative one. the people you used to like will turn away. the friends you had will close their eyes. when you have no one else, your loved ones will turn on you. they will give you every reason for negativity. thats when its hardest. thats when you are tested. you know you have no one. that is when you close your eyes and know that the day has just begun and it is all up to you to keep moving.

tim.

laughing at the consequence.

dont you know by now that this is what we are.

dont you wish you could hit pause sometimes and enjoy just one moment for a little longer. people always tell you that you dont know what you have until its gone. i know what ive got and i know when its gone. i know when its about to be gone. yes, i would like to know a little more in advance but i know we cant have everything. its what makes life interesting - you know, spice.

i think back though to when i was young and i presume this is the same for many other people. when you are really young you dont know at all what you want, you only take what you are given. then you reach a stage in your life where you start to get focus of your own accord. you start to see what it is that you want, but you cant quite reach it no matter how hard you try. the next stage in your life is where you spend the rest of it. you can try and get what you want. sometimes it works and other times it doesnt. i want nothing more than to be in the stage when i want for nothing of my own mind. and then i guess the prophecy comes true. because if i had known what i know now, i never would have grown up. but then what a creep would i be. i guess life isnt that bad when you think about it, it just wears you out. thinking that you work harder and harder everyday trying to surpass the day before until one day you die and no one knows whats past that. all we do is keep moving.

tim.

40,340,266 +/- 1 step

we can lose ourselves

not find our way back home

till the whole world feels just like a saturday night

without a care in the world

without a net underneath us.

our world is one of compromise. we let the ones we love take a little piece of us and in return we get a piece of them. but when we go outside, its all about getting more pieces of the world than it gets of us. your success depends on this. you see, if you get less you fail, if you get more you win, if you get the same you might as well fail. which is dumb when you think about it. there are almost 7 billion people in the world and when you go with the odds on in three persons is successful (meaning they get more than they give). now im not being cynical but do you think you are one of the lucky third? sadly your chances are about the same for getting a disease as they are for being successful.

compromise. how much can you take? how much is too much. these days i find myself taking 2 steps forward and three steps back. which doesnt seem that bad on the whole for how many steps ive taken forward in my life. the point is this (oh yes there is a point to this one), i see my world as a sphere. i think most of us do. 2 steps forward and three steps back results in one step backwards. how many times can you do this? well ill tell you 40,340,266.7 will bring me all the way back around to where i started. so then the question is if i end up where i started am i losing ground? thats what i wonder and no one can tell me. no one seems to know. but heres what worries me even more than the answer to that. what if i make only half of those back steps? then on the other side of where i want to be, or maybe i was going to be there anyways if i had stepped forward to begin with. the point of it all is, dont take too many compromises. you just cant handle it all when it all hits the fan. compromise is like tape and we all know the chair ceases to be a chair when the chair is made of more than half tape. but i guess we just keep letting it be so that we arent uncomfortable. we all allow our fear of change and acceptance to take over what we want and what we are. if you are reading it here, try to be yourself for a day. not for anyone but yourself. try it out, without compromise. do the people that love you still love you? is your world still yours, or do you transcend to another plane; to that top one third? do it or dont, but please dont stop away from where you started, please keep moving.

tim.

im sure that could be reason enough if not for anything else.

im not flesh im not stone

the king is dead and the queen has flown.

you cant always rely on yourself. you cant make yourself the pillar of strength to yourself. if you do, then what are you holding up?

you dont need to submit to anyone, you just need to acknowledge them sometimes. you need to see them and let them in a little. this world was not made for one. if you take anything from me take this please. i see you sitting there and you are so strong. you are so powerful within, but you never let it out. you never let me see it it in you; see it from you. i will tell you i get tired. i want nothing more than to see you now. all of you, not just the parts you choose to show me. if not for you, if not for nothing else, just do it for me. im sure that could be reason enough if not for anything else.

its dark here now, but somewhere in the world the sun is shining. someone is waking up right now to another beautiful day. there are people that i want to help. i want to open their eyes and point their heads upwards to the sky. that they might see the blue that is only there. that they may smell the air around them, a fragrance that is not good or bad but instead the thought of the day, the sense of the now. if i could just let them experience that 6th sense of our bodies of when the sun pours over your skin and a warmth radiates through your body all the way to the bones. and the best part of all that is that im damned either way. see, if i do, if i do that all for you just so you could feel a little better, then you would see the world and you wouldnt see me. but hell if i dont, well you never change, and you never see me. we all have timelines and lifelines. right now i wonder where i fit in there. will i ever come into yours. will you ever be in mine. sometimes i dont like to think about it. other times i wonder if i care enough to even think about it that much. then i just think about what used to make me happy when i was younger. if only we didnt have to keep moving.

tim.